Why do i breakdown again

Unable to breathe...
temporary pain reminding me i still live...
Added to the collection that had been untouched for a year...
no reason as to why i fell back to being like this...
Has someone ripped out my heart or is it just heavy beyond belief.

Struggling day after day....
slipping a little more...
back to those days... the ones which i feared would pull me back.

There are things to look forward to this week....
but so far none have got my hopes up... they'll fall through like usual.. the friend i haven't seen for well over a year, usually bails last minute.... and the other well he can be just as bad... and its been months since I've seen him anyway.

But if they do see me what will they do when they see what I've begun again.... Will they yell? Comfort me? try to help?
Scared about what they'll do but what scares me more is that those who don't know will discover my dark truth...

Dealing with it alone... is easier than being judged
but being alone... separate... just makes it worse.