Thundering hearts

"My mind is blank, eyes are wide,
lips quiver as sweet tears appear.
You look so tranquil and lovely,
my tears wont subside with you near."

^^ In this verse, you started off well. It had a good intro, you sparked an interest. Then it sort of hit a brick wall. You mentioned the word 'tears' in two different lines. That stood out like a thorn on a rose. I can't really see you fixing it without changing the verse a little. It would be effective if you did though.

"Hands lace as our souls embrace.
Now four eyes are filled with want.
Your hands move down to my waist,
with our connected eyes we taunt."

^^ In this verse, I felt that the rhyme was forced a little. It was a good rhyme, just didn't seem to flow well. Maybe try another word? If not, try rewording it.

"Trembling fingers shake with desire,
as we hold ourselves together, quivering.
Foreheads touch and breathing quickens,
wanting to tell you but, only blabbing."

^^ In this verse, I had a bit of trouble with the 2nd line. I wasn't quite sure what you were trying to plot out. It was an odd place to throw in an oxymoron. Also, in this verse, the rhymes, well, didn't rhyme.

The next verse is fine.
The final verse however, didn't rhyme.

Overall; I think you need to fix your rhyme scheme. You had the imagery in there, and the contents were good. I was able to picture everything clearly, and there was the strong, passionate emotion inflicted. It's basically structure more than anything. A few lines to re-arrange, that's about it. Nothing too impressive, nothing disappointing.

Keep writing.

This seems to be a pretty good write. My only suggestion would be to Make "blabbing" into "blabering". There are possible better word choices but these are yours so I won't comment, perhaps as you reread this later you might see them. All in all a bit mature in thought (opinion) but well done.

My mind is blank, eyes are wide,
lips quiver as sweet tears appear.
You look so tranquil and lovely,
my tears wont subside with you near.
`The repitition of tears takes away from the meaning ... the emotion. Find another word maybe? Or change it a tad bit -- create an image that shows the same emotion of this stanza, only stronger. But the last line, is very easy to relate to and just beautiful.

Hands lace as our souls embrace.
Now four eyes are filled with want.
Your hands move down to my waist,
with our connected eyes we taunt.
`Again with the repitition ... just breaks the flow a bit in this stanza. I like the rhyming choice of taunt though. It's ... enchanting, in a wee small way.

Trembling fingers shake with desire,
as we hold ourselves together, quivering.
Foreheads touch and breathing quickens,
wanting to tell you but, only blabbing.
`The comma in the last line is unneeded in my opinion. It provides an unnecessary pause. I like the beginning -- sometimes you want someone (or something) so much that it scares you ... or the excitement is just too much to handle. I feel you could change the word quickening tho ... another qu- word just kind of sounds funny.

Noses rub and our bodies light with fire.
Lips lingering, it's already bliss,
eyes involved in an entanglement.
Take my heart with this kiss.
`Noses rub ... it's a cute gesture -- it brings a flimsy image to mind tho. Makes me want to giggle at the sudden silliness it alarms within me. I think you could read over and edit this stanza a bit ... it just seems to be lacking. In what? I can't quite pinpoint.

Our lips quake and tremble in lust.
The clouds rumble and we are soaking.
Our bodies wet but so very hot,
as we pull away our eyes still pleading.
`Repeat of lips from previous stanza ... Go grab a thesaurus (: I've always found that thing to be very useful. I feel like you went from passionate love to overraging lust and it made me frown...and I can't tell which one you're trying to portray. Both, perhaps? The ending didn't appeal to me quite much ... it seemed to ... lustful :P For a lack of better word .

--..MiNDYY