The Dreams She Can't Believe In.

The topic was a pretty common one, which is a good thing and a bad thing. It's bad, because it's so easy to just write down cliches and not make it unique. [Which is what happened here.] It's good, though, because a lot of people can relate to it, which makes them like the poem more. It also brings out their emotions, because they're going through the same thing.

I think you used too many she's and you's in this. Try writing without using so many, think of more creative ways to say what you're wanting to say. Maybe some metaphors?

----------> The thought of you makes her heart skip and the more deeper she thinks of you, the harder it is for her to fall asleep.
`` You should take the "more" out before deeper. Since you have the "er" on the end of it there's no need to put the word before it.

----------> That was then she realizes,
`` It either should be "That's when she realizes" or "That's when she realized". It depends on whether you want it in past or present tense.

This was an okay peice, just keep my suggestions in mind. They'll make the poem a lot more interesting to read. I hoped I helped in some way! It was a good try. x]

Keep writing!
Cayce

"That was then she realizes,"

here you shift from present to past tense. I think this line should be:

"This is when she realizes,"

but otherwise the poem is great! I love the meaning behind it and your rhyme scheme is flawless. Keep writing. 5/5

Good poem. Suggestions for change? I would explain a little more deeply what happened between the two. Did he just ignore her? Or play with her heart? Did she try to tell him? Or hide it? Give us a little more detail. But very expressive again. You let us know exactly how she felt in a way that allowed us to relate to her. (5/5)

I think you really need to develop some metre in your writes. The differing lenghts of your lines throws all flow "out the window". Now if for some reason there is no need for rhythm/metre in poetry, I am amiss. Your ideas for topics are great, I just get so mucked up when the write flits about in style, or begins to read like prose instead of poetry. As always an opinion. You might read some of the postings that are on this site dealing with rhythm, syllables, rhyme, etc. They are good knowledge to acquire.

My first suggestions are that you watch for verb tense. What I've seen, it still makes sense in the poem and isn't quite that noticeable -- but at times, for me -- who's a grammar freak -- it sticks out. But it's not that big of a thing since I slipped past them at times O_O

Immediately, her mind shifts suddenly to the topic she always hates thinking about, you.
The thought of you makes her heart skip and the more deeper she thinks of you, the harder it is for her to fall asleep.
`Huh ... They're really long lines compared to the first stanza, which threw off the flow for me -- but despite that they're really long, and I wish you'd break them apart somehow -- they actually kind of work... Watch the syllabication here though, because that also breaks flow.

She puts her head down on her pillow and nearly begins to cry,
She whispers, 'why can't everything just be perfect?'
`You use she and her A LOT so far in the poem. There's a lot of "telling" -- try "showing" instead. In some of my pieces, I use a lot of showing -- it helps. The second line in this stanza -- I adore. Don't change it, but you could shorten the first one, or change the words so it doesn't sound too typical and mediocre, like it'd belong in a novel. Like, here's a simple start (it isn't much, but in my eyes, it'd sound better): "She lays her head upon the pillow, and nearly begins to cry." Idk, just a thought.

That was then[,] she realizes,
That no matter how hard she tries,
Her dreams just won't come true.
She concludes they seem extravagant and out of reach,
Which results in her dreams not becoming reality.
`I think there should be a comma between "then" and "she." I've inserted it, so you get the feel. It provides a pause, so it helps the flow, because you go from long lines to short ones. And dreams is used twice ... is bothers me. Maybe try another word?

What started out as the smallest dream,
Turned into something so big she can't believe in.
`I feel like you should change that second line. The first one I've pasted -- love it, but again, you used the word dream. But the concept is brilliant, I just don't like how you've concluded that idea.

On the other hand, I adore the last stanza! It's witty -- and the last line is absolutely powerful and so easy to relate to. The emotions are all displayed in that final line, and it's just beautiful.
Keep working on it -- because it's actually a really nice piece :)
..__MiNDYY