Whimsical Fantasy(collab with zee)

by Jenni Marie   Jun 13, 2008


Time after time, it hurts these weakened legs to stand,
Whenever I see a couple smiling while walking in hand.
It brings back the once cherished memories long ago,
In a paradise of love with this guy I used to love and know.

You left me lying in our bed all alone again last night,
This heart broke a little more, when you once caused it to ignite.
Images of her wrapped in our embrace danced through my mind,
Tears slipping as realization hit; our hearts are no longer entwined.

You once said you loved me, than why am I left alone here,
My heart is losing air every time I think of you not being near.
I imagine those words you tell her, were only meant for me,
I'm slowly dying; realizing the love in my eyes you never did see.

And I can't help but wonder what she has that I do not,
Promised me forever yet I'm the one that you so quickly forgot,
Now my heart is broken my days are dull; I've become a cliche,
Can't eat can't sleep; I'm crying these lonely nights away.

I can only hope somewhere in your heart you think of me,
Imagining that paradise of love; where you and I would be.
Tangled in these emotions; I have created another fantasy,
My eyes may be unhappy, but my heart can't face this reality.

Collaboration with Zee :]
http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/author.html?id=283279

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  • 16 years ago

    by BrokenREALiTy

    Walking in hand.
    `I know it's necessary to keep it shorter, so that the syllabication stays on straight, but it sounds quite funny to me, the way it's phrased. It's like, I get what you're saying, but it just doesn't sound quite right.

    I feel like there are a lot of words that could be omitted. Like in your second stanza:
    First Line: "all" -- I find unnecessary, but when I continue reading over again and again, that can be debated. I think it's just because those three "a" lettered words in a row make it sound flimsy.
    Second Line: "once"

    entwined.
    `I feel like, it should be replaced with "intertwined." but I don't know how you read it -- and it could possibly be that I just read at a different pace ... *shrugs. Look over it?

    Images of her wrapped in our embrace danced through my mind,
    Tears slipping as realization hit; our hearts are no longer entwined.
    `I haven't finished reading through the piece, so forgive me if I'm wrong about what it actually means, but I absolutely adore these lines. The imagery is beautiful -- and it's clever, the usage of "her" because it makes me think that there's a new girl in this guy's life, and she's interfering with your love.

    than why am I left alone here,
    `should be "then"

    Ooh, third stanza. Ending line's chosen rhyme is weak -- and I somewhat fancied that stanza. Be careful with your word choice, because that rhyme sounded forced and it dented the flow for me.

    I can only hope somewhere in your heart
    `I feel like there should be a "that" between hope and somewhere. For me, it'd help the words run more smoothly.

    I absolutely LOVE your fourth stanza. It's the most emotional to me -- and though there is room for some editing in it, it's so ... charming. And your ending, though cliche, like most of the piece -- it worked, because despite room for improvement, it was actually a really great read.

    Keep at it.
    'Cause I liked it.
    ..__MiNDYY

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