Glowing fog

by Kaila   Jun 13, 2008


Foggy day outside not the clearest of 'em all,
But what do I care right so tiny and small,
So peaceful so alive, until it rose to nightfall,
Then the world stopped and wouldn't spin at all.

The clouds came rollin along with the fog
But what do I care right so tiny and small
Then your voice came from round the corner,
Not knowing I would never hear it again.

I smiled upon the moonlit sky, toward your glowing face;
as you slowly walked toward my wanting body.
Licking lips, awaiting your arrival, the kiss haunts.
Embracing and tantalizing I am helpless.

***this is a bit rough

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  • 16 years ago

    by BrokenREALiTy

    I think I should've read this one before I read the other poem by you... because this piece just didn't do it for me. At all.

    It brings forth some imagery, but nothing really out there, y'know? I got to the end and was just like, That's it? Seriously?

    When you start out with rhyming, and then draw out without it, it kind of throws off the flow of the poem and how smoothly it runs.

    But what do I care right so tiny and small,
    `The repetition of this line, I didn't really see what it meant. There were a variety of thoughts running through my head -- was it saying that you were so small, you didn't matter so why should you care? Or was the "I" referring to your love being tiny and minute -- so what did it matter? Just some thoughts.

    But you're right -- it is rough, but I would love to read it once you go over it and edit it, because it's a nice start, but it just wasn't enough to me.
    ..__MiNDYY

  • 16 years ago

    by ghosts in bloom

    This has a nice idea/story behind it, but I do agree, it was a bit rough. Haha. :P The flow and rhyme was kind of all over the place for me, I wasn't sure where you were going with the form: it can't really be considered free verse due to the bit of rhyming it held. Still overall, your ideas/imagery is nice, and your vocab usage is swell too. [:

  • 16 years ago

    by H E Losey

    Is this a style I am not familiar with?
    You start with an aaaa rhyme then go to no rhyme at all???
    "Glowing Fog" but the only glowing item is a face?
    I had trouble connecting your stanzas into a story?
    I think you have a good story here if you can just get it in order and flowing.
    Your metre/rhythm is all over the place.

  • 16 years ago

    by yblehs

    I like it when his face came out of the fog
    I thought it rather clever how you kept most of the poem describing the fog and telling bout the fog it was a good idea... i agree it wasnt too rough but the flow had some rough places...i like how this poem is easy to read and gets to the point and didn't feel like a chore to read....=]
    i like it good job 4/5

  • 16 years ago

    by Michelle18

    This is a good poem. i like the repeat of

    "but what i do care right so tiny and small"

    in the first and second stanza. i think maybe you should have put it in the third also.

    overall, it was very well written.

    good job. 5/5

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