Comments : Hell-Bent Angels

  • 15 years ago

    by InvisiblyHeartless

    "My blood beats harder through my body,
    A sigh of relief escapes my lips,
    As the torture I lived through comes to an end,
    I thought it would be over."
    The first line in that stanza.. I think should be
    'My blood pounds, flooding my body'

    I also think some punctuation, to exaggerate pauses and stops would make this stand out. It's the creepy air that sort of needs dramatic effect added.

    "Muscles won't listen, body can't stop,
    As you move me onto the ground,
    I whisper out into the darkness,
    "You can't hurt me anymore"."
    The first line... doesn't have much of an affect on me. Maybe
    'Muscles detaching, body ever unstoppable'

    This is a little freaky, but I suggest adding some darker vocabulary to it, making it a horror of tomorrow.
    :]
    Really good job, love the style. it had flow.

  • 15 years ago

    by BREEawNUHH

    Ah, a beautiful piece. Your word choice was awesome, and it flowed really well.

    "Muscles detached, body disconnected,
    As I'm moved down to my fate."

    = My favourite lines. They're deep, but not too complex. I really like that.

    I have only a couple things to ask/point out:

    When a period is not used at the end, I'm not so sure the next line should be capitalized. I could be mistaken, but as far as I'm aware, it shouldn't be. Also..

    "I am just the Devil's slave."

    = I don't think "devil" should be capitalized, because as far as I know, it is not a proper noun.

    Again, could be wrong, just thought I'd make note. :)

    Briana.

  • 15 years ago

    by Teria

    "Daytime's long gone, night returns"
    - I know with 'long' you're probably trying to give emphasis there, but with the 'night returns' following the fragment it's not needed. 'long' actually makes the line seem odd. Try; " Daytime's gone, night returns"

    "A cold shiver tingles my spine,"
    - I personally don't like how you worded this line. I'd change it to something less direct like;
    "Cold shivers tingle down my spine"
    or "Shivers tingle down my spine"

    The poem itself is pretty good. There's a few spots that definitely need sprucing up and such, but overall it's okay. I would suggest being a little less direct and using a little less of the 'fillers'. But, it's also your own style that makes the poem. The poem works for me, and I'm sure it works for you. I'm just saying that you could try other things maybe?

  • 15 years ago

    by Kimberley

    Wow. this is amazing. I really loved the last two stanzas and the fourth one just moved me. "Muscles detached, body disconnected,
    As I'm moved down to my fate." that was an absolutly amazing line! it's so deep and heart felt. good job. 5/5. ~KM~