Comments : Ruined by Blood

  • 16 years ago

    by yblehs

    Ooo this made my skin shiver...very eerie
    however near the end the rhyming started to seem a little forced...i thought it was a very good dark poem and i couldnt find any mistakes =] good job

  • 16 years ago

    by xoxkatrinaxox

    That is an amazing poem.so deep,so dark. i love it

  • 16 years ago

    by Nix

    I think that ideal title for this poem would be -Apathy-

    -I can't think, I can't write, I can't sleep,
    The tears don't help, the scars run to deep.
    I have seen to much, I can't see anymore,
    I can't see the color red as the blood starts to pour. -

    ^I usually prefer stronger wording and more complex metaphors in the poetry but I honestly admire this stanza. You expressed so strong and raw emotions, whole stanza really looks like it is written straight from the heart, and intensity of pain which you managed to describe really fascinated me. Rhythm of the poem was here also very good. Though every -to- should be -too-
    Also I would suggest you to change first line in:
    I can't think, nor write or sleep
    but I think that you put something authentic in your opening line which truly captured my attention.

    -No more hate, no more feelings to hold,
    I never thought hell could be so cold.
    I can't love, I have nothing more to give,
    No reasons to smile, no reasons to live.-

    ^You continued poem quite nicely. There is some power in simplicity of your words, all in all very emotional write and that makes it remarkable. I like repetition of -reason- in last line, in most cases that would leave bad impression on me but you managed to create very good flow with it.

    -I can still hear the screams repeat in my head,
    The ghosts of what's been haunts be in bed.
    It isn't fair, and it isn't right,
    But I am weak, and I can't fight.-

    ^I don't like this stanza. It actually quite disappointed me because I truly enjoyed in the poem until I read these lines.
    I have few suggestions about this part:
    In first line word -can- is unnecessary, I think that if you just write: I still hear the screams repeat in my head- is more effective.
    -In second line word -be- I think should be -me- Also I don't understand why you added -s- on verb haunt.
    And I think that this line is better on this way:
    -The ghosts of past haunt me in bed-
    And about fourth and third line, I think that you ruined substance of your words for rhyming. Rhyme seems forced and because of that your words lost power to express your true emotions. I suggest you to exchange something about it.

    Next stanza also left quite nice impressions on me. Actually I think that you expressed yourself excellently within the words. And -to- should be -too-

    -I'm just empty, I can't feel anything,
    Not even what the skies can bring.
    There's no need for talking, no need for a speech.
    There are no heavens for me to reach.-

    ^This stanza amazed me. There is something convincing about the way you wrote it. I don't like last line equal to the rest of the stanza, but first three lines left really strong impression on me. And I like the how you on detailed way showed your feelings, very vivid expression of apathy.

    -I just stare as I see the blood drop,
    It just never ends, it just won't stop.
    But I can't feel anything anymore,
    I have ended my own, personal war.-

    ^This stanza has same message which you already described on great way, so it is little unnecessary but other than that I think that you mixed imagery and emotions on good way.

    -The happiness and love is gone, stepped into mud,
    Ruined by pain, by tears and by blood.
    I can't ignore it, the hurt from within.
    I give up. I give in. -

    ^Excellent ending, it is so sorrowful and I like the ending line especially because it is simple yet powerful. Truly a great stanza.

    All in all I think that you piece isn't too original when you look at its subject. Also I prefer less clear and more complex work, but I strongly believe that you wrote about emotions which you truly felt (or lacking of emotions) and I think that you put your hear on the paper with this poem, which is absolutely admirable.
    And I honestly enjoyed in the whole piece, very nicely done, you truly managed to make me feel spirit and background of your words, you give them a depth.
    Though I have one more suggestion, maybe whole poem cloud be even better if you change it in abab rhyme, that I think, would on some places make better flow, so it would be like this with all my suggestions (that is just a personal suggestion):

    -I can't think, I can't write, I can't sleep,
    I have seen too much, I can't see anymore,
    the tears don't help, the scars run to deep.
    I can't see the color red as the blood starts to pour.

    No more hate, no more feelings to hold,
    I can't love, I have nothing more to give,
    I never thought hell could be so cold.
    No reasons to smile, no reasons to live.

    I still hear the screams repeat in my head,
    It isn't fair, and it isn't right,
    The ghosts of past haunt me in bed.
    But I am weak, and I can't fight.

    I can tell myself a thousand lies,
    but the truth isn't pretty as you see it eye to eye,
    or shower myself with endless cries
    but there's too much blood for me to lie.

    I'm just empty, I can't feel anything,
    there's no need for talking, no need for a speech.
    I can't even feel what the skies can bring,
    there are no heavens for me to reach.

    I just stare as I see the blood drop,
    but I can't feel anything anymore,
    it just never ends, it just won't stop.
    I have ended my own, personal war.

    The happiness and love is gone, stepped into mud,
    I can't ignore it, the hurt from within.
    Ruined by pain, by tears and by blood,
    I give up. I give in.-

    I really like it on this way even more.
    Anyway nicely written.