Short fall

Short, dark, intense, emotional. Beautifully written, very expressive. I like how its short, its to the point, it happens so fast, just like suicide, those left behind think it happened all too fast. Superb poem once again.

Very visual..and great.I enjoy the effect/feeling of it. The wrods u chose.."You will a cast" is great. I love ur writing.

victoria

Okay, so the line "tumbling like a doll" definitely does not fit - maybe "tumbling, tumbling, like a doll" all on one line or something cause the way it is the cadence doesnt work, no offense, unless you read it like "tum-ble-ing, like a doll". also, the last verse should not be a splat. if you're going to describe the impact, you have to realize that it isnt quite a splat - there is crashing and shatering and splitting AND splatting. i like it the way it is anyway - "you will is cast" is so dramatic!

The only thing I see wrong with your last stanza is the second line, not enough syllables, other than that I like the ending. I agree with the above, maybe try beefing up the middle if anything.

Actually i like the last stanza. maybe when you complete it, you can find something to fill in in the middle somewhere to make the last stanza stand out more. i cant wait to reread it when its revised.