Actually i like the last stanza. maybe when you complete it, you can find something to fill in in the middle somewhere to make the last stanza stand out more. i cant wait to reread it when its revised.

The only thing I see wrong with your last stanza is the second line, not enough syllables, other than that I like the ending. I agree with the above, maybe try beefing up the middle if anything.

Okay, so the line "tumbling like a doll" definitely does not fit - maybe "tumbling, tumbling, like a doll" all on one line or something cause the way it is the cadence doesnt work, no offense, unless you read it like "tum-ble-ing, like a doll". also, the last verse should not be a splat. if you're going to describe the impact, you have to realize that it isnt quite a splat - there is crashing and shatering and splitting AND splatting. i like it the way it is anyway - "you will is cast" is so dramatic!

Very visual..and great.I enjoy the effect/feeling of it. The wrods u chose.."You will a cast" is great. I love ur writing.

victoria

Short, dark, intense, emotional. Beautifully written, very expressive. I like how its short, its to the point, it happens so fast, just like suicide, those left behind think it happened all too fast. Superb poem once again.