And Look At The Mess You've Made Me Become

**NOT a poem, just a rant, and some thoughts I needed to get out of head to try and help me see things more clearly.**

Seems that I no longer know what to do. I used to have my entire life mapped out and I was always so adamant that was exactly how things were going to pan out but life never works that way. We've been through so much in such a short amount of time and sometimes I wonder if I can take any more pain that you keep throwing my way. I closed myself of from people for so long then I met you and my barriers began to crumble. No matter how hard I tried to resist you snuck under my guard and I knew that I was falling for you. I never used to believe in that old love at first sight saying, I thought it was for fools but just a few days after we'd met I realized I had completely fallen for you. You held my heart in your hands unaware I was so terrified of you hurting me and then you said you felt the same way, we talked for hours that night and by the time we fell asleep wrapped in each others embrace I was thinking. "finally I've found someone who I can trust, who I know will be there for me, who I know will never hurt me." But like I said life doesn't work out that way. You hurt me. You became cold and distant and I wondered what I'd done before you finally told me the reason we couldn't be together anymore. And I pretended I was okay, you asked us to stay friends and I said I hoped we would always remain friends. I pretended I wasn't hurt but you didn't see the constant tears that fell or feel my emotions. You wasn't aware that I was dying slowly inside, hating myself for turning into one of those fools who let themselves believe in love only to have it blow up in their face.

And then the miscarriage happened and we tried so hard to deal with the pain, you opened up to how you felt but I just couldn't. You tried so hard to get me to talk to you but I'd already closed myself of from trusting you and I had no idea how I could explain what I was feeling, that my world had fallen apart, that I spent every day wondering what I'd done wrong, that I felt it was all my fault and I'd murdered an innocent little child and soon after you said you wanted to talk and we spent the most amazing two weeks together but still I knew deep in my heart that it was all wrong... we were making love but not actually together. Just friends as we kept saying. Only you who used to know me better than anyone never guessed that I was lying, that I wasn't okay with being just friends, that I wanted more, that I knew it was bad to allow myself anywhere near you 'cause I'd fall for you all over again everytime but didn't care 'cause every second in your arms was like heaven. Sure we had our arguments in those two weeks but you didn't realize that I'd rather argue with you than even look at anyone else. And then you went home and the very same day you slept with her, and when you told me I died a little more inside but you never knew. And when I came to your's soon after you never guessed how hard it was for me to get on that coach and actually turn up knowing you were now with her. You have no idea how difficult it is when your best friend is your ex's mum especially when you're still in love with your ex.

Even your mum said she hopes everything between me and you doesn't affect the friendship between me and her, I would never let that happen for I love her to much but it's so difficult. Everytime I look at her I can see you, the way she acts the things she says, I see you. Her personality reminds me of you, and it's just so hard. Do you remember that night we were a little drunk you claimed you still loved me but we couldn't be together 'cause we clash so much and I told you I still loved you but only as a friend? Did you see through that lie or swallow it? Was I convincing enough for you 'cause I love you so much more than a friend but couldn't bring myself to admit it for fear you would only use it against me. And since I've been back home you've been with what maybe three or four more girls? And everytime you ask for my advice or tell me what's happening with them I have to smile and nod cause I'm still pretending I'm okay with just friends. All my friends have said "get rid of him you're just gonna get hurt again," and you know what? I agree with them yet I still can't just let you go and now I'm carrying our child and praying everything goes right this time but how can it? I'm upset all the time, you say you're gonna be there for the baby and I'd like to believe you, 'cause I honestly think you'd make a wonderful dad. but I'm just not sure if i can.

And how are we going to do this with the distance, both the actual distance and emotional distance that has arose between us? We argue so much but have you realized most of the time it's over nothing? Our personalities clash so much and we both refuse to be the first to back down, we both always have to have the last word. Even our families and friends have said they thought we would clash with being so alike and both being so stubborn and I know we agreed to stop arguing for the sake of the baby but how long will it last? I really don't know. You called the other might and told me you wanted all your kids to be with me, that you still love me but we're to alike to be together, that you're hoping everythin goes right this time and if it doesn't we can try again and a few minutes later you're telling me you're with someone new. Do you realize how much you're screwing up my head whether intentionally or not? You even asked why did we split up and when I reminded you 'cause we clash said that's a bullshit reason, when I reminded you it was you who chose that reason you said it was a crap reason. I just don't know anymore, I'm trying so hard to be strong, I have to be for the baby but 'cause of you my head is all over the place, tears constantly appear, days are difficult to get through and nights are like a lonely hell.

Just before i realized was pregnant I was planning to cut you out my life till I was over you as it would have made it easier but now I can't even do that. If only you'd make your mind up, if you just told me it's over and there's no chance of getting back together I'd find it easier but constantly ending up back in bed together, screwing with my mind and heart, constantly saying you still love me... I just don't know where I stand with you, I don't understand why you're getting with girl after girl if you still love me. Yes we sometimes clash but is that really the true reason that we can't be together?Or because you can't stay faithful and like playing the field? Or is it cause you know I still love you and enjoy playing games with me? You once said I know you better than anyone but I don't think I do, at least not anymore. I feel like I don't know you at all, you've become a complete stranger. How can I love and hate a complete stranger? It doesn't make any sense and I'm so confused and I only hate you 'cause you keep hurting me but I love you so much more. I wish I could hate you fully but I know that will never happen. I'm so tired of all the tears, pretending everything is fine and don't know how much longer I can do it.

The saddest thing in the world is loving someone who used to love you. I wish you'd help me understand what's going on in your head but I know that's very unlikely as I'll keep on pretending we're fine and you'll probably never even read this and even if you did you probably wouldn't care. Would you?

Just friends. Hah. We'll never be "just friends." We'll either hate each other or love each other until it kills us both.

I am completely at a loss now, I don't know what to think or feel anymore, just tell me.. what else do you want me to do? 'Cause I've given you all I've got.