God, it's been so long

First off...is this a prayer?
will I ever know ... Do they even exist?

It's been such a long time...
since I went and bowed down on my knees.
For only you; Lord to please.

I lost you because I simply could not accept..
That you are my savior controlling my life,
Even after death.

The thing is I thought you let go of me first...
Your precious blood I always used to thirst.

But...
I was the one who let go
Even if I lost myself, you would always know.

Either way I thought you would forbid...
Me because I ashamed you

Beacuse...
My past, for the things I once did and said Id never do

I'm not sure where my heart lies anymore...
It would be so much easier if you would come knock on my door.

If there really is a heaven out there for me...
Lord, I pray to you. Please help ; let me in ?

It's been such a long time...
sense I cried for you to help me,
sense I prayed for you to comfort me