Eh, I'm very picky. You'll get better though.

For me it's like a rule to try to NEVER rhyme girl with anything, because then you have to use whirl and it never goes along with anything you're talking about.

I know this is freestyle, but I prefer structure much more. That way the rhyming is more consistant and it flows better.

I also wish you would have described exactly how you killed the girl. That would have been great imagery. :)