I Am Not Cold

I carry dreams of happiness, whom I am scared to pursue,
Believing is bringing me closer to you.
I chose not to trust, because I know I'll get hurt,
And I don't think I can take much more dirt.

I don't understand why I'm holding back,
But I am used to days, dark and black.
I wish you were wrong, I wish I was right,
I wish I could tell you I could walk to the light.

Forgiveness isn't something I am a custom to,
If you betray me, I'll say goodbye to you.
The crappy part is, I don't think you're going to run,
And that your looking for more than a bit of fun.

I don't understand why I can't believe you when you say you care,
Or that you understand my feelings and despair.
I don't know why I am so unwilling to accept you in my life,
Maybe I'm not able to let go, put away the knife.

I know you fear the blood, the knives and my difficult youth,
I'm trying to hard to hide it, but I think you deserve the truth.
I know I'm bringing pain into your life and your soul,
Your already scared, and yet my story, I haven't told the whole.

I'm testing if you'll stick around,
And catch me when I fall to the ground.
I'm ruining your sight, trying to make you blind,
And ask questions the answer you will never find.

Difficult questions asked to scare you away,
And then I won't have to care for you more every day.
For past broken hearts, a price must be paid.
But I am not cold. I am afraid.