Comments : My father.

  • 8 years ago

    by Em

    Hi Tara, it seems that we both have a bad relationship with our dads so I can really relate to this (mine is please explain dad)

    Daddy always said he would stay with me.
    but now i think of where you could be.
    your only in my heart to be found.
    every time you walk by your voice does not make a sound.
    ^^
    A powerful start that I guess many can relate to including me and though our dads aren't with us, we still think about what they could be upto etc. I do believe that the start could be "daddy you always said you'd stay with me" I have tweaked it a bit as you use 'you' in the rest of the stanza so it takes the flow away a bit.

    you wont look at me or hold me anymore.
    what did i do to deserve that for?
    everything went wrong since you said i lied.
    but i wouldn't surrender i put up a fight.
    ^^
    Such a terrible state of affairs. Me and my dad talk but very rarely and he will not look at me either. It's so sad to think that our dads brought us into this world to do this to us.
    The second line takes the flow away a bit as it doesn't really make sense so I suggest an edit maybe just take the for off the end.. I know you are trying to rhyme but it's a forced one. Maybe you could change it to "what did I do to turn you so sour?"

    now that i think about it maybe i should have given up before it went wrong.
    but i was to stubborn and wanted to stay strong.
    i got over it now.
    so this is my goodbye.
    ^^
    We all try our best to keep the bridges from burning but it never always works so I'm sorry for that.
    The line 'i got over it now' I feel would read better if it says 'i've gotten over you now'

    ill alway love you from far away.
    because you didn't want me to stay.
    ^^
    I like this ending it's powerful and very abrupt though I feel the last line may read better as 'because from me you decided to stray' or 'because you decided to push me away'

    Remember the edit suggestions are only that.
    All in all, a fabulous write.
    Em