Contradictions & Confusion

This time it is
not a joke.
She wants
to die.
She wants
to end it all.
This world
has no use for her.

Okay, so maybe
this is not entirely true.
But she does
want to bleed.
She wants
to bleed until
there is nothing left.
She wants
to pass out
on the floor
and quit breathing,
only to wake up
once again.

She wants
to go to
that awful place again.
The one where
the only view
of the outside world
is the barred windows.
Where every move
is monitored.
Where there is no need
to think for herself.
Where there is no need
to pretend she is happy.

She wants to be
lifeless, yet still alive.
She wants
her blood to flow
on the inside
as well as on the outside.
How can she have
both these things?

She wants to cry until
her tears run dry,
though she already has.
She wants to cease to exist.
She wants someone
to realize she already has.
She wants to wave a sign around
that reads "DO NOT RESUSCITATE!"

She wants it to be known
that she has chosen this life.
She wants to live this way.
She wants to get it through to them
She does NOT
deserve
any
better.