Comments : It's you

  • 16 years ago

    by Dan Bloom

    WOW! My favorite of yours so far! I love it :)

    Ok ok... so I have some criticism :-P
    The double spacing is frustrating me haha

    Who bothers to write
    while tired and drained
    who can each day
    sensitively reflect and retain
    who oozes pure happiness
    over simple little gains
    who cries like a child
    when love gets a little strained

    who composes poems
    walking in the rain
    who sends love verses
    while riding in the train
    who drowns himself in love
    like addict on cocaine
    who puts all his stake
    fighting a losing game

    who cherishes me
    like slow sips of champagne
    who licks my wounds
    and hides his own bloodstains
    who richly emotes artists
    who have gone insane
    who has me falling in love
    all over again

    ^^ I think "sensitively" Kinda takes your rhythm away... so I would take that out.

    ^^second stanza "while riding in the train" I would say... while riding in trains. Flows better also.

    ^^ Maybe it's a typo but "like addict on cocaine" I would say "Like AN addict on cocaine"

    I love it so much :-) One of my favorites