CONSUMED

by Ray Smallshaw   Jul 12, 2008


What is it like to know, every look she gives to you, she gave to me?
Every word spoken, be it, "Shut that door, or I love you", was said to me,

Every touch,
Every breath,

Every smile was given to me.
When you make love did I teach her those secret ways?

You may say,"There not yours now",
Yet are you sure they will be ever yours,

I have shared the joy of love with her,
Are you consumed with jealousy, as I am.

You will never truly know her,
As she shared her learning with me.

Yes, in Gods eyes she is still mine,
You see we took vows, "To love and to honor till death do us part",

No ceremony or piece of paper can ever break those vows, Only death!

You were in her past and she kicked you out for me,
No matter when or where you see her I have seen her like that too.

So let that knowledge consume you with jealousy.
She has the illusion that you make her happy,

Yet if I find out she is not !
I know I have lost the right to even consider she will ever be mine again,

So share in my pain by knowing she was once mine and shared with me many things that you can never,
Know that everything you do will be compared to my past actions,

I have nothing to hide I am jealous and I hope that jealousy consumes you to.

Written after sharing my life in 29 years of marriage and then nothing. All is different now I am happily remarried but at the time my world collapsed around.

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  • 15 years ago

    by Broken Masquerade

    This is such an amazing poem and has really improved from when I last read it. It is so so powerful. The flows improved alot too. However i do have two more suggestions haha sorry :S

    "No matter when or where you see her I have seen her like that too."
    ^Maybe split that line up or something. Reading it all together is quite hard to comprehend your meaning and i had to read it a couple of times before I understood what you were implying with this sentence.

    also..

    "I have nothing to hide I am jealous and I hope that jealousy consumes you to."
    Although this is okay. I really think you could make this more powerful by just rewording it a bit. Like it's such a powerful poem and this ending doesn't really do it justice. Maybe even just change it by seperating it again. Just something simple like:

    "I have nothing to hide..
    I am jealous.
    And I hope that some day,
    Jealousy may consume you too."

    You'll be able to change it to something better than that im sure but like although it is very similar, i think it does make a difference.

    Sorry about suggesting stuff again. It's just an amazing idea for a poem and has potential to be unbelievable, with a few small changes.

    5/5 in any case because it's almost there and I really do love it.

  • 15 years ago

    by Broken Masquerade

    The beginning was the most incredible opening ever.

    "What is it like to know, every look she gives to you, she gave to me?
    Every word spoken, be it, "Shut that door, or I love you", was said to me,

    Every touch,
    Every breath,

    Every smile was given to me.
    When you make love did I teach her those secret ways?"

    I was like wow! Got me so interested in the poem. I think from there it kind of faded a bit though, however it was still reasonable. It began to become hard to comprehend at the end. And with this sentence..

    "Or are you a go behind the back cowardly snake."
    ^Not sure at all what you meant there

    And the "Yet if I find out she is not !!!!!!!!!."
    not sure that you need so many exclaimation marks lol.

    Also, the stew you swine thing I don't think really fit in with the poem. Once again, thats just my opinion though.

    I think that once the second half of this poem is reviewed and edited, it will be a brilliant poem. Because I really like the main concept behind it. But until then I will leave it unrated and favourite it so I can come back and look at it when its redone and i'm sure it will be mind-blowing :)

    Nice work though :)

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