A Day Home Alone

I sit here in my computer chair

Alone, in this huge house

I wonder if I even deserve to be here

In this world

My life plays across the screen

Flickering, black-and-white images

That refuse to fade

Even when I turn the television off

A headache pounds against the walls of my head

After taking two aspirin, it still isnt gone

Tears keep filling my eyes

Sobs keep wracking throughout my entire body

Not only because of the headache

Never would I cry over such a small thing...

My life feels as if it is shattering

My obliviousness and stupidity are the reason

I have broken hearts, made my best friends hate me

Made everyone want to stay away from me

And I don't know how I ever did

I can't remember at all what I could have done

To make everyone dislike me so

All I know is that I did,

And the truth of the matter feels like

A thousand knives stabbing my chest

A neverending pain that leaves me screaming

And writhing in pain on my bed,

Alone....without anyone

The bottle of pills looks so tempting

The knife lying on the counter looks hopeful

It would be so easy...

So easy to end it all

So easy to end this pain, this unhappiness

That has invaded every corner of my life

And snuffed the joy and light from my eyes

I do not want them to hate me anymore

But I know that for as long as I live

They will hold that grudge...

They are constant, never wanting to let go

And can I blame them?

I have been so horrible....

Such a horrid, horrid friend...

I have been such a bad person I can hardly believe it

And because of my own naivete, my own obliviousness

I have failed to see it all this time

Until it was too late...

Too late to change anything,

Too late to make them see how guilty I feel

Too late for any forgiveness to be brought up

They won't forget,

Nor will I....

I just want it to end

All this shame, this pain, this regret

This utter unhappiness that is tearing a hole in my chest

The knife I hold in my hand gleams

It looks at me as though to say,

I can relieve your pain....

I hold it against my forearm

And I push

Push

Push

I slide it across my skin,

Trying to get a major artery,

I ignore the seering pain racing throughout my arm

The stars dancing in my eyes

But then I stop...

The dog is barking at something outside.

I look down at my arm where the knife had once been

And all I see is a small indentation,

A few drops of blood

I touch it, and it stings from the oil on my finger

Why could I not do it?

Did I imagine the pain of the blade

Slicing through my skin?

I touch the drops of blood,

And bring them to my lips

The taste of them is bitter and stale,

And yet there is a sweetness lacing through it

The sweetness of life

Filled with pain and suffering

The sweetness of death,

Casting a blanket of relief over my eyes

I want to try again, this time on my chest

But again the dog barks

I look outside, and I see my parents driving up

I retreat to my room, afraid of being caught

Alone in my room,

I cry,

Fat icy teardrops running down my face

And sobs threatening to break free

I finally understand the meaning

Of "Laugh and the world laughs with you...

Cry, and you cry alone."

No one in this world truly cares about my sadness

Anyone's sadness but their own

They rejoice in my happiness,

But as soon as the tears fall

They turn away in disgust and hatred

Oh, they say they care,

They say they want to help,

But they never try....

They only complain and say,

You're such an idiot,

Grow up and act your age

You're not a child anymore...

But I do feel like a child

When I'm curled up in a ball on my floor,

Crying out in pain

I feel like an abandoned child....

Left alone to wallow in my own misery.