Because....

I wonder if I'll ever learn. If ill ever have the strength to say no when i need to. To keep myself from falling .

I never wanted to be a girl, never wanted to be the type of person who needed another, to depend on someone's feelings and affections.

I wanted to be a guy, strong, self sufficient,.. numb.

I hate knowing what you don't want me to, having this insight. Being able to read you like one hears a song, and understands every lyric, ever meaning, and the hidden meanings in those.

I hate knowing I'm right, and still having you tell me I'm wrong.

I hate your denial.

I long for when i was eleven, before i knew how good it felt to be held, to be kissed, to have someone run their fingers threw my hair and tell me they loved me.

I long for the time when i had no idea how it felt to be let down. No idea how it felt to love someone who couldn't or wouldn't love me back. I long for when i never knew anything other then "he's cute".

I hate thinking you loved me, that you still do. I loath the thoughts of how you made me feel.

Because i love them before i loath them.

I loath you, and everything you ever said to me, but most of all,

i loath your silence, and everything that it says about you.

Because i still love you, and i hate that i have to force myself to hate you so i can be numb, hate you before i can live again.