I Am Not Who I Say I Am

I do not like what I have become
I lied
I was angry
I felt betrayed, threatened
I felt insecure and at a lost

I feel like I have no foundation
And the earth is caving under my feet
I am falling into a pit of darkness and despair
I am losing God with my multiplicity of sins

I know I am doing wrong , but I continue
I do not know why
I say I love God, but my actions prove me wrong
I want to get closer to God, but I do not move
I will have to stop sinning

My sins are of different levels and of different motivations
Self-serving indeed
Trying to make myself look good
And trying to justify why I commit them
Out of selfishness and self-pity do I say why I need to be with the man I feel is the one
I do have sexual relations with the one
It feels good, it feels right and I want to do it

I betrayed my God
Out of spite, out of vindication and self-righteousness
false reasons misperceived
I fail
I fall
I am so stuck it depresses me
It gets deeper and deeper

My soul is darkened
It is torn apart
It is leaving me
Death of my soul is what I created and it is killing me in real life

I do not know what I am doing
I know what I have done
I lost myself
I am following nothing

And I struggle from this wandering
I want my soul back
The light is always calling me
It reminds me that all is not said and done

God will have the last word
It saddens me
It makes me cry
I rejected God
I said no to Him

I can do no right
I have hurt the people I love
I have no sense of who I am
My goals of goodness are abandoned

I betrayed myself
I am a farce
I have lost hope
The Devil has opened the door I walked through it

Depression has come to get me
I have no legs to stand on
I am a coward
I do not want to be in charge
I do not want to do anything
I do not want to tell people what to do
I want to be left alone
I want to die
I do not want to argue anymore
I do not want to fight anymore
I want to leave this place
I want to run away
I can not
I am stuck
I need to get a life
What I have created is wrong
I took a turn for the worst
I can not talk to anyone
No one understands
God help me
Forgive me please
Take me back

I live in fear
Fear of myself
Of what I have become
What I will do
When I forget that I am wrong
I will justify that wrong to self-satisfy
All for instant gratification
I am selfish
I have lost my peace
Because
Im Not Who I Say I Am