Forever Changed*

* Can u see the change in me? It may not be so obvious 2 u I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions.. I help plan holiday meals.

U tell me u r glad 2 see dat I don't cry anymore. But I do cry! When everyone has gone - when it is safe- the tears fall. I cry n privacy so my family won't worry. I cry until I am exhausted and can finally sleep. U tell me u admire my strength and my positive attitude.

But I am not strong, I feel that I have lost control; and I panic when I think abt tomorrow.... next week.... next year. I go abt the daily routine of my job house trying 2 complete my assigned tasks,not 2feel the pain.Then i drink coffee and smile.

At times I think I am beginning 2 heal , but the pain roll over again with permanent scar on my heart.

U tell me that u r glad 2 see I'm holding up so well. But I'm not holding up well. Sometimes I want 2 lock the door and hide from the world. I spend time with my parents, I seem calm and collected. I smile when appropriate.But i'm not! U tell me it's good 2 see me back to my "old self" But I will never be back to my "old self". Pain and grief, have touched my life....

and I'm changed forever. *