Cause & Effect

This poem is very interesting i love how you formatted it and the way it was all put together your extremely talented. i love this keep up the good work

I'm sorry this has taken me sooo long. My Internet hasn't been working. I don't have very much time, but I'll try to comment this as honestly as I can.

I love the whole cause and effect idea, it's very interesting. I think you could do better though. It's pretty much just stating facts. Which is good, but it doesn't exactly capture the reader's attention. Try some metaphors. I always love metaphors. Haha. Or imagery, let the reader in, make it seem like they're part of the poem. Do you know what I'm talking about?

There's very little punctuation in this. It seems like your started out the first sentence with it, then just didn't put any at all. I'd fix that, because it helps the flow of the poem, by letting the reader know when to pause and take a breath.

Lost in total numbness
`` I like this line, but as I said it could be better. Maybe try something like "Lost in a sea of numbness". Or "Dead to the world around me". etc. Just something to make it more interesting.

Cutting too deep
`` Cutting is a little over-used in poerty, but if your really going to write about it, you've got to make it good. Maybe... "Blade diving too deep". "Droplets of life spraying like a geyser" <---- See with that one, I didn't come write out and tell the reader what was happening. I described it. I left just enough room from them to think about what it could mean.

Anyways, I've really got to go. I hope this helped!

Keep writing!

.||CAYYCE||.

This one is very intresting! i like it!