What fun really costs

I find myself awake at night
Wondering why I care
Searching for a reason
But you can't find what isn't there

Wondering if I like you
Or just the way you made me feel
Then I remember what all was said
And I know it wasn't real

A simple game I thought I could play
But I forgot the rules
Fun at the expense of my confusion
And left feeling like a fool

False hope builds in my mind at night
Fueled by these perfect dreams
I always seem to dream of you
But instead of you in control it's me

Then I wake up and remember
How the dreams could never be true
And they just fuel my anger
And need to forget you

Then I remember it wasn't your fault
For I'm the one who fell
And that just fuels my depression
And hatred towards myself

Alone I sit in the bed I made
This is what my fun costs
Wondering if I'd change what I said
If I'd known what would be lost