Comments : Since the day I fell in love with you

  • 16 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    "Since the day I fell in love you with I never stop be happy"
    `This should be re-worded like maybe something like this,
    "Since the day I fell in love with you, I'm constantly happy."
    -Something like that.. Just a suggestion. The with was in the wrong spot to begin with.

    "You made me belive in love"
    `Believe not belive.

    "you save me from be nobody"
    `Yeah. Doesn't sound right at all. And doesn't make one bit of sense to me. Maybe youd say.. "You save me from everybody." - Is that where you were going with it?

    "you show the path of happiness
    You show me how to live
    You show me you could trust people
    You made me have felling never hade before you show me how enjoy my life"
    `You kind of just listed stuff. No rhyme. No flow. Although I know you are a beginner, so I will give you pointers. If you want a actual flow for a poem you have to make it rhyme or you could make the lines have a syllable count that fits the poem.. or you could make the lines about the same length, because if you have one line longer than the others it sets the flow of immediatly. Just some pointers.

    Overall, it was alright. It was kind of simple, but yet so sweet. :] If you brush up on your poetry skills you'll get better. As a beginner you probably won't write that great of poems but I promsie you that you will get better :) Just keep writing. If you need help with your poems just PM me and I'd be glad to help.

  • 16 years ago

    by H E Losey

    There are many errors here that detract from what you are trying to say. It appears as though English is not your first language so it will be difficult for a while but you will get there. (this could be a direct translation from an Asiatic[?] language)
    You need to use spell check and grammar check would be good also but they are only as good as your personal proof reading.
    There is no metre/rhythm in this write and that is an important aspect of most good poetry styles, rhyme is only if you want it.
    As always an opinion.

  • 16 years ago

    by smiley

    Oh am spanich but I don't write good

  • 16 years ago

    by walking alone

    When I was reading your poem it sounded like you were missing some words. IT didn't make scence in parts