Missing...

by XxShadowxOfxYourxShadowxXMyxMiNdxIsxFrOzEnxX   Aug 12, 2008


What if I never wake up again?
Will you miss me then?
Will you be sad 'cause my life passed by?
Or you'll pretend that you're stranger and you won't even cry?

What if I just go and leave you alone?
Will you beg me to stay?
Will you look for me every day?
Or you'll just let me go without any word to say?

Will you try to make things right?
Are you longing to see me tonight?
Won't you call me and say that you want me back,
And that you're sorry 'cause you coloured my life in black?

But..
You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't someone missing me?

[for contest]

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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by Courageous Dreamer

    "Or you'll pretend that you're stranger and you won't even cry?"
    `Way too long. I'm not even sure if this line made sense to me. Did you really mean stranger? Or did you mean stronger? Make it shorter.. You'll isn't needed [the second word] of this line. Delete that.

    "What if I just go and leave you alone?
    Will you beg me to stay?
    Will you look for me every day?"
    `These are good questions, they show that you are kind of confused as to what may happen. I see that you have a repetition of What then will then win again, but you don't continue that throught the rest of the poem [for stanzas 3 and 4] I don't really like how this poem is all just questions either. But the rhyme and flow are alright I guess.

    "Will you try to make things right?
    Are you longing to see me tonight?
    Won't you call me and say that you want me back,
    And that you're sorry 'cause you coloured my life in black?"
    `I was going to say that this was your strongest stanza.. but I honestly can't say that. The first two lines were so good.. then the 3rd and fourth lines got really long again and set off the flow. You have a rhyme, and the flow is kind of rocky because the lenght of the lines aren't the same.

    Last stanza was alright. I guess there's nothing you can change about it.

    An alright poem, second stanza was probably the strongest for me.. but I want you to try and jazz your words up. It's kind of a blah poem in other words because it's nothing too extremely amazing. 4/5 It still deserves a 4.

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