Comments : Take A step Forward

  • 16 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Every moment that someone takes a step, it's always back to square one.
    The passion of one's heart, no one seems to care.
    You can read someone's face,
    But you will not be able to tell if they are ok."

    ^I loved your word choice and this is all so heartfelt.

    "If friends DO hide secrets, why do they?
    If parents DO lie, but why?"

    ^That second line didn't really make sense to me, try rereading it. And you are repetitive here, I would just not start each line with "if'. But I like how you ask all of these questions here.

    "So many things to think about
    So many to face
    For one's heart is broken
    For one's mind is erased."

    I like this stanza, but again you are repetitive and it ruined it for me. Maybe try this:

    "So many things to think about
    And much more to just face
    For one's heart is broken
    A mind of another is erased."

    I just think it looks and reads better without repeating so many words.

    "From which everyone has a dream
    Go chase it down,
    Do not follow,
    What is there to be?"

    Just felt like the last line ruined it, maybe reword it? I'm reading it now, and it doesn't really make sense with the rest of the stanza.

    "Life is different for everyone;
    Why does it seem short and boring?
    Does it matter what you do?
    Make your life worth living."

    I loved this ending, good work. Great message throughout this poem that inspired me, and with some corrections this poem will be awesome! Keep writing, always and forever...