Selfish Pain

Pain, agony, fear, and defeat
All things i feel when i lay down to sleep.
I try to live my life without showing these feelings,
but they keep piling on and it is just to much to hold in.
My worst fear is breaking down in front of my friends
letting them see the side of me they have never seen
The side that wishes Avvion would have killed me when he had the chance
The side that wishes that i had not screwed up anybodies life.
I wish i could take it all back and start over again,
so the worst mistake i ever made could be rewritten.
I know i cannot go back but i still wish i could,
so i would not think of my life as a mistake, but more like a miracle!
I should be living ahead and not thinking about my past, but lets be honest, i cannot forget about that overnight.
Certain people say forget about the past, forgive and forget is my only chance.
For some people it is simple because they have not been through much, but certain people know that it will not work.
I am trying my best to keep the feelings in, but they are coming out one by one by anger.
I yell at m friends and family for no reason at all
So at this point i would rather be dead then hurting the ones i love th most!!