Well I see some improvement. I think a tip I could give you would be to read what you write out loud, or compare it to the way that you talk to other people. If it doesn't sound like something that makes sense, change how you write it so that it does. I definitely see this as an improvement, keep writing

If you want help with something, feel free to ask me, I'll give you what advice I can. Just remember that I'm not the greatest poet, either