How Do You Deal?

How do you deal when you need to be strong?,
but completely falling apart inside all along.
No emotions are allowed to come out,
the feeling of need to comfort those who pout.
Slowly feeling yourself fade away,
losing your hopes day by day.
Bad memories stay as the good ones fade,
unable to truly feel the light as if your stuck in the shade.
Feeling as if you have nowhere to go,
not knowing which path to follow.
Watching yourself push people back,
unable to get yourself on the right track.
Knowing your life is falling apart,
losing loved ones dearest to your heart.
Having problems letting people in,
knowing they'll just give up on you again.
Always afraid of getting hurt,
keeping your emotions constantly alert.
Feeling vulnerable if they get too close,
hurting them to push them away is usually how it goes.
Watching them give up one by one,
feeling angry at yourself for what you have done.
Secretly wishing they would understand,
you didn't mean it things just got out of hand.
Needing someone to say "It's ok,
I'll help you get better everyday"
Wishing somebody would notice me,
almost as if they can't see.
Needing someone to realize,
all I've dealt with is hurt and lies.
Why does nobody seem to notice my tears,
nobody to comfort me through my fears.
Never relying on anybody but myself,
crying out now for someone to help.
I can't handle everything anymore,
I want to quit and just walk out the door.
So this is my apology to you,
I love you for staying after all I've put you through.
I'm not asking for you to do everything beyond what you can,
just stay with me and try to understand.
I don't know what to do anymore to keep my spirits up and proud,
I feel like to get through I have to scream loud.
Nobody has stayed with me for long,
and I'm scared you will turn out the same all along.
I'm putting all my trust in you,
hoping you'll love me and help me through.
I understand if this is all too much,
but I have nowhere to turn and not fully ready to give up.
I don't want you to be someone you're not,
I would never even consider that in my thought.
I just want you here by my side,
for you to be my comfort for this long ride.
I've loved so many and lost so much more,
these feelings are killing me straight to the core.
I can't promise to never get mad or sad,
but I will never let you go if things get bad.
My feelings for you will never change,
and I know some of my reasons for actions are strange.
Its just that I'm still learning to open up which is something new,
but I don't want to show my hurt to you.
So I'm letting it out as slow as I can,
so I wont breakdown and get worse then I am.
I can't help but push people away,
but my worst fear is to be alone someday.
I'm scared everyone will leave,
just the thought alone stains tears on my sleeve.
Nobody ever understands what I'm going through,
but I know your feelings for me are true,
I'm trying my best to let you completely in,
but I'm going to have to keep trying over and over again.
It will happen, but I need some time,
I know your trust for me is on the very line.
But I will show you I can get it back,
our relationship will go right back on track.
I need you to promise that you will never hurt me,
and I'll be the best girlfriend you just wait and see.
I've never had these feelings for anyone else,
but I'm only just now learning how to trust myself
I've never let anyone else care for me,
but knowing you I feel like I can finally let my security free.
I'll be by your side no matter what you do,
and if you're having a problem know I'm someone you can come to.
The thought of making and hearing you cry,
hurts me so bad I want to die.
If I could I would give you a hug and never let go,
and my love for you will truly show.
So through this poem I'm trying to explain what I'm feeling,
and I want to thank you for loving me while I'm dealing.