Trying hard

It's been a long time since I was free,
To eat what I wanted and wanted what I eat.
But just like gazing at a distant star,
Obtaining my old happiness seems to far.

I'm too weak to fight it, to weak to try,
Only finding the strength to curl up and cry.
I didn't want this illness, I've never felt such pain,
If I knew where it came from, I'd send it back again.

Subjecting my body, mind and soul,
To this madness that I can't control.
“Just one more pound then you are free”
Yet all along it's lying, the voice of my ED.

The torment of starving, craving and fainting
Obsessed, depressed, continuously contemplating,
Whether I should eat to ease the pain,
Or exercise non-stop for hours again.

Avoiding the comments, ignoring the stares,
Doubting the idea that anyone cares.
I need to do this, I need to achieve,
Ignoring the dangerous web that I weave.

Yet part of me knows that all is not lost,
I may lose more weight but at what cost?
Trying hard to conquer and beat it,
I know with belief in myself I'll defeat it.