It's Juss Words

There are a million things that pop through my head making me spin with dizziness and make me grab my stomach with nausea. The feeling that runs through my veins isn't one that I want. The pain, the agonizing pain that doesn't seem to being ceasing with time, the ache that is renewed everyday when I see him, it's impossible to get away from it. I run away when I ask questions already knowing the answer, I ask them still hoping with little faith that the answer will be different than the one that I am thinking he is going to give. It's just words though isn't it? The words that bleed through my lips stings with each word that doesn't seem to register through the brains waves that are surging through the air to absorb the words that cut through the last parts of the gapping hole in my chest. My heart should be beating fast, leaving me breathless and unsure of what to do, but it's gone. Left on the floor the last time it was ripped out of my chest seeing him with her, his arms around her, his lips touching gently to hers. The lies that leave his lips continue to gnaw at the aching hole in my chest.

Every time I see his face, it screams the secrets we had, the good memories that we shared, and it's painful to watch. Just the simple whisper of his voice makes my thoughts jumble up and become tied into knots and my stomach follows on cue to my thoughts, matching its' every move. My brain tries to make sense of the words that are leaking through his lips but it's a foreign language that it doesn't understand. I try and try but it's like I'm running a race with no way to stop, it's a long continuous road that seems to know no end. And yet through all of these ideas that are finding their way to my keyboard and writing them down, the hardest thought to come across are three simple words that are the scariest to say. I love you. But like you said, "It's juss words," and I guess to you they have no meaning. It's meaningless to explain to you how you hold the key to my heart, how you can see right through me, how you can have anything you want from me, and how at the end of the day if you walked away and never came back, how it would kill me. But again you said it was just words, words with apparently no meaning. No meaning to you.

How can you not see how I am around you? How is it that you can see all the wrong but never the right? How do you want me to be the closest friend that you have when I can't even look at you without the constant reminder in your eyes how much I caused you pain, and that the pain I caused you causes a bigger hole in my chest because I don't want to be the cause of your pain and I want to take it all away. I get angry every time I see you, not at you, the anger just sits in my veins awaiting for things to make sense to me, I'm angry at myself. After everything that I did and everything that happened I never wished for any of this to happen. I only want you, I tried so hard to convince myself that I didn't want you, that I didn't need you, that you were too good for me, for fear of loving you. The more I tried to persuade myself to not believe you, to not need you, to not love you, the deeper I feel in love with you.

The malice in your voice is tearing me apart as you tell me all the things you don't want me to do, and if I sat here today would you even notice how much I wanted to cry because to you none of this matters. I love you. But it's just words right. I guess I'll never be able to show you, to explain to you how much I love you, because after all it's juss words.