Comments : You Can See It In His Eyes

  • 16 years ago

    by Hollymariee

    On the outside looking in
    that bitter look of guilt and sin

    seeing truth, but speaking lies
    it's not worth it, he never tries

    I'm not worth his time nor care
    Add a comma between time & nor , and add his between nor and care .
    try to tell him, I'd never dare
    Change the comma to a question mark .

    he see's me with other guys
    gives me that look of harsh despise

    it's not what it looks like
    he calls another strike
    Take out this stanza .. It throws off the whole poem . You can write something better .

    won't believe the truth I tell
    he is under guilts sweet spell
    Good idea .. Maybe rewrite the second line .

    he thinks they're just excuses
    for the things that he accuses
    Love this .

    he says it doesn't matter
    for the teardrops he wont shatter
    Um , He says it doesn't matter what is said ,
    For the tears he will never said .
    Diffrent way of saying it , but see how the rhymes don't seem forced ?

    and yet I sit here all alone
    all my problems; vastly grown

    now he's the one who tells the lies
    you can see it in his eyes

    Well done . I'd add some more punctuation . 4/5