Once a cutter.....

I don't want to be that girl again,
I don't want to go back to how i used to be
I sit here with a smoke in one hand and my pen in the other,
Looking at my blade that lays on my bed.
I've hurt before and cut just to feel better,
Just to take the pain away,
I've watched my blood run, just to feel alive again.
I've never been ashamed of anything I've done in my life,
Only maybe wished it could be different,
This time, I'm tired of missing you,
Of knowing that if your words of love were true I still wouldn't be sitting here crying over you.
I wouldn't be contemplating the cut.
All I want is this pain to stop,
Maybe if I let my crimson river flow again my pain will stop for a while,
I don't want to feel my love for you,
My needing and longing to have you with me,
The safe feeling when you use to hold me,
When you whispered the future..... I miss that.
Its all gone and thats how i want to feel,
I want to empty again,
I want to feel nothing,
If only.....