Comments : River of Sadness.

  • 16 years ago

    by BREEawNUHH

    "Tears stroll down my cheeks filled with pain,
    as I watch you fade away into the darkness."

    -- I loved these lines. So sad, and filled with so much emotion. They were beautiful paired together.

    "The pain has took over again without my control,
    tangled thoughts in my mind that won't leave."

    -- In the first line, "took", should be "taken". "The pain has TAKEN over.."

    "Mind so foggy, everything completely unclear.
    I'm left alone here for the second time; drowning...
    in my tears, someone come rescue me please."

    -- A plea for help. I love it. I think I like it so much because it shows vulnerability, and so many people are afraid to show that.

    "Seeing you hurt, struggling to put your broken heart-
    back together again, the hurt that it causes me-"

    -- I don't think you need the - after the word "heart" because I don't feel as though the need for a pause is there.

    "Laying open upon the floor, quickly gets covered with-
    the tears that fall from my stained cheeks that create this
    river of sadness, this cycle is repeating; it's never-ending."

    -- Again, I'm not sure if the - is necessary, but I could be wrong. Anyway -- I loved this as an ending. It brought the piece to a close nicely, not to quickly and it didn't drag on, either. It's beautifully, and sadly, written. Great job.

    Five out of five. [5/5]

    ``Briana