Containing Contradiction

In my mind I'm playing a game of tug-o-rope,
I hate the game so much,
I'm hoping for it to end around my throat,
Back and forth I struggle to the end of my wits,
As hard as I try it's a game I just can't quit,
I may never win nor may I ever lose,
Instead every time I get banged and bruised,
When half of me screams yes the other says no,
So the only way out is a game of tug-o-war,
I pull and pull until I pull myself into the dirt,
Then giving myself a hand up also hurts,
I don't know which is right and which is wrong,
Having been in this struggle my whole life long,
Part of myself must really hate me,
To take all my thoughts and be so contradictory,
This turmoil of opposition spins inside my head,
Making me so dizzy I half expect to drop dead,
It's not that I just can't make up my mind,
This game has split me into two feuding sides,
I struggle to claim victory but to do so I claim defeat,
Even when I advance I only back myself into retreat,
Going around in circles growing even more dizzy,
As I contain all this chaos and contradiction within me.