Comments : A bullet left

  • 16 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Sigh.
    he's so much mroe than just a pretty face
    messy hair
    and a loud voice."

    "mroe" should be "more".

    The first line, "sigh" didn't catch my eye at all, so maybe write something like this:

    "I sigh heavily, contemplating all of him."

    Or something like that, just an idea.

    The form in this poem wasn't written in the best way, and at points is hard to read. Because sometimes there is two words, then on the next line ten, and so forth. I would be them into stanzas and try to make the lines almost even, like this:

    "he has a life, a family, other people.
    where do I fit into all of that?
    who are these people who love him so dearly
    who he has left, but still remembers?"

    Also, in some places in your poem, your i's aren't capitalize, so I would do that, just proper grammer.

    "is his heart alread consumed by someone else?"

    "alread" should be "already".

    "leave it locked away
    with my heart
    and other
    tools of the trade.
    let him have everyone else
    and just be happy
    to have
    a bullet left."

    I really like what you wrote here, but again, I would go back fix the errors I pointed out, and try to put this poem in separte stanzas, making it easier to read. Keep writing, always and forever....