Comments : A Life

  • 16 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    This is a short but heartbreaking poem. Here are some suggesstions:

    "A life so soon taken
    With so much life left to live
    A life so tragically taken
    They had so much to give"

    I really like the rhyming here, short and simple, but having the four "so"s really throws it off and it ruins if for me. Maybe try replacing a few of the "so"s to something else. Just an opinion.

    "A stupid mistake
    And a life is gone
    One little mistake
    And it all went wrong"

    Repeating "mistake" throws it off for me, and I don't find it that creative, maybe replace "mistake" with another word, because it just wasn't really orginal to me.

    "You blame yourself
    You think it�s all your fault
    And no-one understands you
    You not an adult"

    Just delete that A thingy in the second line.
    In the fourth line: "You" should be "Your".

    "A loss for the world
    Occurred today
    We�ll miss this person
    Everyday"

    Again, just get rid of that A thingy in the third line. Otherwise this was pretty good, but I felt like you could have added more emotion and more creativity to this poem. Keep writing, always and forever....