Comments : Life in a Sec ... and Cut...

  • 15 years ago

    by Cara

    I don't like the man I see, the one in front of me
    Why I can not know who is that man can be?
    ^^ This second line does not sound right, so i will give my suggestions.
    It could be changed to 'Why can i not know who this man can be?'

    If I only know that my wish can come true
    If only I can know what I have to say or do
    ^^ Okay, well you can keep it as it is, or i can suggest a couple of things. Here are my suggestions, incase you want to use them.

    'If only i knew that my wish could come true
    If only i knew, what i need to say or do'

    I want to scream out in the glass to break it
    And take my anger out and spit it
    ^^ I didnt really understand this..

    And tell me you are going to live another day
    But I guess that is my last step on this way

    And I tell you this and my neck is meeting the knife
    When you will die in a sec you will see your life

    Just make sure what you will seeing the end
    Is worth seeing my friend
    ^^ maybe this would sound better:

    'Just make sure that what you will see in the end
    Is worth your time and effort my friend'

    Sorry not too sure about that last line, but it needs to be a little longer to fit the flow.

    Good poem though, just needs a little touching up :)