Comments : A Friend?

  • 16 years ago

    by Gabba Gabba Hey

    You used 'I' alot, maybe use 'me' for better flow?
    'When your eyes of ocean,
    The sparkling sea gone,
    To melancholic waves they turned.'
    I think I understand what you're trying to say here, but it's very unclear and I think with a little bit of rearranging it could be better. Perhaps
    'When your eyes of ocean,
    their sparkling sea gone
    turned to melancholic waves.'
    and have the next line be
    '(then) suddenly your smile,'
    That's my suggestion.
    You tend to rearrange your sentences as if you were going to put a rhyme down and you had to move it to the end. It confuses the reader. In this case, me. It's an unfulfilled promise.
    'All for my laughter,
    And willingness to talk-
    My fearfulness of dancing,
    Yet readiness to walk.'
    these lines are great, and the sudden rhyme is good contrast.
    'As I wonder at myself,
    Who wondered that night at you.'
    I rather like that too. It makes you think.
    A very good ending too.
    Have you been reading any Shakespeare lately? Because it kind of seems that that was the sound you were going for.
    You've got an excellent and true topic here, and for the most part you said it well-there was just a couple of things.
    That's about it :D

  • 16 years ago

    by Clown

    Well, im not a pro cuz alot of my work is in question with spelling, but from i saw, it is a beautifully written poem and esay to understand, i think so anyways, corect me if im wrong, but this poems is about u leading someone on without meaning to cuz you still hold a love for another so you cant give urself in that way to the person that you misled, am i right, anyways, i noticed some grammer mistakes, we all make them so dont worry too much about that, just try and fix them has you urself notice them