Comments : A New World

  • 16 years ago

    by StandStill

    I woke up shaking blistery chills off my body-
    Like a dog energetically shakes off water,
    I woke up scared to look outside my window-
    Like a victim making an escape from her stalker.

    ^^ Instead of a comma after water, i think a period would be better. Just because it seems like the thought is complete and that is that. I really like the b eginning, it's suspenseful.

    My heart is like stainless steel,
    I'm known as the titanium rose,
    The world seems so unreal,
    As my emotions simply froze.

    ^^ Again, period after rose. And try seemed instead of seems...parallel verbs...I really like this one as well. It seems cold and...distant, if a poem can be that.

    I closed my eyes in a state of disbelief;
    A tough time, where it's impossible to shine,
    When I finally had the courage to open my eyes,
    I was there, a place that I'm well aware.

    ^^ You dropped the rhyme scheme :( if you can fix that, then do. But I love the image, and especially love the part about having courage to open your eyes.

    The sunlight was flawlessy shining-
    Like my very own personal spotlight,
    The energy here is much stronger-
    Than a battery operated flashlight.

    ^^ Loveeeee the metaphors here. <3

    Pixies of this New World surround my being,
    The clouds fill the sky in various creative shapes,
    The purple ducks bathe themselves- quacking,
    While I sit on this enchanted flying carpet.

    ^^ That one totally made me smile, but again, the flow gets off a little bit....but it's definitely the strongest stanza of the whole thing.

    As it drives me into a completely New World,
    Where the sun never stops shining rays of light,
    A place where you can feel nothing but love,
    Even as the day ends and the sun says goodnight.

    ^^ It's a very lovely ending Ryssie..<3

    Very very descriptive and visual. *nods* Just check the flow in those few places and you'll be good to go. ^.^

    5/5