How I felt today

Datum that I wrote this: 14 november 2008

Last night after I called
I tried to sleep
But I couldnt
My mom was yelling at my dad
She pushed to the door
I almost get a hard attack
My mind full with shit
Thats also called my life
And my thoughts full of my ex
Me wishing to fall a sleep and never wake up again
Few hours later
My dad screamed my name to wake up
But I cant wake up
I dont wanna wake up
Still I tried to stand up
With eyes half open
And my thought with : No not another day !
Trying to walk to the bathroom with pain in my heart
It feels like im dying
But truly there is nothing wrong with my body
Im more healthy then I wish to be
Changing my clothes
Walk through the front door
Say byee to my dad
And before I know it im on my bike
Ready to get to school
For how do I know how much time I make a fake smile
And laugh to everybody that I see
But still my thoughts arent here
20 minutes later finally at school
Walk to the classroom where I have to be
Saying hi to my teacher
Again with a fake smile
Going to the place where I have to sit
You know the strange part?
Im sitting near to the teacher
And the other students sitting together far away from me
One hour later finally a break
And there they are my friends
Saying hi and asking how they are ofcourse ..
With a fake smile
Im not doing more then making fake smiles just to let the people see there is nothing wrong with me cause they wouldnt understand
Even my friend dont understand me
15 minutes later the lesson starts again
Going to the classroom sitting in a chair
How strange 5 persons are sitting around me
I almost would call it scary
But they dont sit here for me
Nooo they sit here just for an other girl ofcourse !
Few minutes later the teacher begins to talk
And said we have to get to work
So Im working with my thoughts somewhere else
Well its a wonder that I can work
Ha ofcourse the people around me want to rewrite what I wrote
Well if they cant make it on there own
Than they are really stupid
One hour later going again to an other class room
Yeahh another lesson ..
The work that we have to do
Is something I already did
So Im doing nothing on my own
Once again with my thoughts somewhere else
Hey look at this said a girl to me
Open the supid little paper
Well whats that!? My name is writtin in this stupid paper
Quess who wrote it
Nothing least than my ex ofcourse
With his stupid fake stories about me
He only thinks: Me so perfect dont need you !
Well if he doesnt need me
Why is he talking about me and making jokes about me?
I cant take it cause I ?
I need him more then I want
I love him more then I wish
I hate him for making me love him
I just cant change my feelings
Oops shit there goes the bell again
Well its positive cause I can see my friend again for an half hour !!
Again saying hi to them with a fake smile
And sending messages to my friends
They are so far away I hate it
I miss them more then I can take
Shit half hour is allready over
Going to the classroom
Ha ohh thats nice we are going to watch a movie
Sitting down on a chair
You wouldnt even quess it anymore
Im sitting alone ..
They making fun of who is gonna sit next to me
But no one wants to sit next to me
I dont facking care Im just gonna watch the movie
Few minutes later
It seems that this is not just a happy movie
Its more like a deppresive movie
A couple who died
The man died cause his brother is dead
The woman died cause the man is dead
Well thats nice
Its so scary I can feel there emotion
Dont know what it is
But it hurts
Im almost crying
No one sees it hopefully
Well it doesnt matter any way cause no one cares
One hour later
The last break of today
Looks like my class is almost the only one thats still at school
Hey I see a friend
Goes to her and sit down
Oh fack noo..
Somewhere right in frond of me is sitting my ex
With his three also perfect friends ...
I dont wanna look
But I cant force myself
I want to see him
I hope he doest reconize it
My friend wants to go look if she has something
So Im walking after
It looks like she is talking to me
But Im not listening
To busy with thinking ..
I do really miss my ex
Is it ever gonna be okey?
Few minutes
She sits down on the same place where we were
And there is my ex again
In frond of me
Nope I cant force myself not to look
So Im looking again
Hmm I want to drink
Picking up my bottle
Drinking coke
My friends wants to drink to
Gives her the bottle
Making fun of how she drinks
It was really stupid but funny
I hope it let my ex think Im okey
And there goes the bell
Ashamed I dont wanna go
But still I have to
Walking to the classroom
Huh?
Two girls talking about me
No Im not stupid if they think that
Grrr I wish I could kill them right now
Oh no to late teacher is coming
She opens the door ofcourse Im walking trough the door
Watching the end of the movie
Half hour later
Finally free !!
So fast as I can
20 minutes
HOME
My parents asking I want to go with them to an someting
No Idear what it is
But my family is there
And I do love my family though
It is really crowdy here
But people are talking to me here so it isnt a problem to be here
2 hours later
Home again
Turn on the pc
Looking if there is anyone on
Ashamed no one is on
Doing my things that I had to do
And now its allready 0:18
Well I think Im gonna sleep now
With my I hope I will never wake up again thoughts
Wish me good luck Byee !!

This is a story how I see my world
And how I felt today

Well tnx If anyone reads this story ...