This was good. a great way to express your self. i hope that everything is alright and that you talk to someone when you need help. and remember there is always light that glows. 5/5
:] harlea

Not only is this sad but dark as well. I have read it several times and I am still not sure exactly what the meaning is. I feel a deep depression. This line leaves me asking who is he?

"As he leaves you in your room, sitting next to her in a chair"

Even though I am somewhat confused, it is well written.

His head was shaking back and forth like a pendulum.

I LOVE THAT LINE, it made me smile, your poem was excellent and i loved how you used the colors and description of glow, very nice work

I really liked your choice of wording I thought this poem was really good, you created a gloomy atmosphere =] Iv'e read through this poem 3 times to try and grasp the meaning youv'e portrayed and im not quite sure i fully understand it yet i can see the emotion within it =]

To start, I am going to say that this is a really interesting piece. I read it a few times over in attempts to really grasp the meaning, and absorb each line, in order to give (hopefully) good feedback.

"Following with the stench that is so lingering and horrid.
The air is illuminated, as it swirls around,
So dark and dreary that you cannot see your hand"
***I really like the scene you portray in this stanza, and your language and all, but the order in which the lines are set made it confusing to read. They did not seem to flow, and left me a bit befuddled. I think it is much stronger meter and meaning wise if the lines are read in this order:

`The air is illuminated, as it swirls around,
So dark and dreary that you cannot see your hand
Following with the stench that is so lingering and horrid.`
***Just my opinion.

"The leaves fall slowly to the ground. red-yellow-orange-green.
They drop slower than the others around it
The world goes to darkness nothing to light the way"
***I adore this stanza. (: The enjambments and pauses create more vivid colors. I am curious though as to what the `it` is referring to? The leaves dropping slower than others around what? Should it maybe read `They drop slower than the others around -them-?

"Where you once illuminated you've now gone astray
Holding your hands as the white begins to show
Hoping that perhaps there is still a chance for it to glow"
***Really thought provoking and wonderful.
Held a good flow.

"His head was shaking back and forth like a pendulum.
You're sure this is all a nightmare.
As he leaves you in your room, sitting next to her in a chair."
***A very strong and fabulous ending. The word pendulum is just awesome (; Leaves me with a sense of heaviness emotionally, and ultimately wanting to read more. A great job, couldn't decide between rating it a 4 or a 5, I really wish they had .5 buttons. Hmmm.

`Nova

There has been a lot of people who have sent PM's or even commented not understanding this poem. I will provide you a detailed explination of what exactly this poem is if you wish to read it then it's up to you.

I didn't anticipate many people getting what the setting or even what it's about.

The setting is a hospital, a woman or man is dieing in the hospital, they lost faith and then they prayed to try and get it back.

The air swirling around is the airtube. The hands held tight is them praying, the head swinging back and forth like a pend. is the doctor letting the other staff know that this person is no longer with them.

The leaves are the life force of all those around them. If you go to someone who can 'see' your soul, they have different colors.

RED AURA COLOR: Relates to the physical body, hart or circulation. The densest color, it creates the most friction. Friction attracts or repels; money worries or obsessions; anger or unforgiveness; anxiety or nervousness

ORANGE AURA COLOR: Relates to reproductive organs and emotions. The color of vitality, vigor, good health and excitement. Lots of energy and stamina, creative, productive, adventurous, courageous, outgoing social nature; currently experiencing stress related to apetites and addictions;

YELLOW AURA COLOR: Relates to the spleen and life energy. It is the color of awakening, inspiration, intelligence and action shared, creative, playful, optimistic, easy-going.

GREEN AURA COLOR: Relates to heart and lungs. It is a very comfortable, healthy color of nature. When seen in the aura this usually represents growth and balance, and most of all, something that leads to change. Love of people, animals, nature; teacher; social

as you can see these are all colors that you would find in the hospital, It's very hard for a lot of people to get, but those who do get it, I'm very pleased that they were able to understand.

I hope that you have a little more perception of what the poem is about. You should take another look at it with the information that is provided.

Taking into consideration the message you sent, a few things in this poem have really been cleared up to me. I had the idea that the setting was a hospital in the first and last stanzas, but was unsure. I lost the meaning in the middle, but now understand ... it is a very intriguing write, one which causes the reader to do a decent amount of decoding. (; The aura colors are really a nice and interesting touch. Nicely done, very cryptic.

Great imagry.Word choice was brilliant and the flow was smooth.Excellent work.5/5

-Amber

Your vocab is very updated, and the imagery is very real although I don't think I get the meaning of the poem. No punctuation in your poem does distract me.

“The world goes to darkness nothing to light the way.”
It would be better if there is a comma between darkness and nothing reading:
“The world goes to darkness, nothing to light the way”
This line contains two ideas,
“The world goes to darkness” and “nothing to light the way.”
Without the comma, it infers that the line is only ONE idea, not two.
The same comment to
“ Where you once illuminated you've now gone astray”

(The setting is not clear though.)

These two lines contradict themselves, I know what you mean in them but I think they need a line inbetween to change the mood from literal to metaphorical.
"The air is illuminated, as it swirls around,
So dark and dreary that you cannot see your hand."

Maybe "Yet so dark and..." would make more sense?

I read your comment that you posted on this:
"red-yellow-orange-green."
With this line when you read it you get the image of leaves actually forming, which later turn into metaphors.
Because you don't mention the body in the poem, and don't mention any relation to it being sick/organs I doubt anyone would guess the relevence of the colours.

You start to rhyme in the poem randomly, it throws the flow off a lot.

"His head was shaking back and forth like a pendulum."
Love that lone.

I got a little confused through the poem about whos perspective it was from, too.
Though reading it closer reveals it.

Be careful with what you don't fully explain in poetry, there's a fine line between leaving out details and poetic-ness (?).

Darn this is long.

I still liked this, my innital thought was this is about helping a friend deal with something terrible, it made sense (or at least to me).

I liked the images created in this, and the emotion was almost real, good job there.

Sorry I seemed to focus on the bad stuff =\
This is a solid poem, you have good form, the flow is great until you start to rhyme (easily fixed, though) and the emotion is in all the right spots.

5/5

jess ~

Following with the stench that is so lingering and horrid.
The air is illuminated, as it swirls around,
So dark and dreary that you cannot see your hand.

[Following with stench that is lingering and horrid,
the air is illuminated as it swirls all around,
so dark and dreary, you cannot see your hand.]

- usually I'm not against fillers, but in this stanza I think it just does better without them in certain areas. So, eliminating the fillers like; the, so, that, in certain areas and adding a few more words to boost the emotion makes it flow and sound better.

The leaves fall slowly to the ground. red-yellow-orange-green.
They drop slower than the others around it.
The world goes to darkness, nothing to light the way.

[The leaves fall slowly to the ground - red, yellow, green, and orange.
They drop slower than the others all around.
The world goes dark, with nothing to light the way.]

** I noticed that you used fillers in the wrong area's here as well. Such as; "around it", I still used what people call a filler but replaced it with 'all' and switched it. The colors of the leaves, I personally think green should come before orange... why? I don't know, it just sounds better to me. I also added 'and' there and took out a few fillers in the last line and switched.

As he leaves you in your room, sitting next to her in a chair.
[As he leaves you in your room, sitting in the chair next to her.]

** Switching those around just makes it flow better, to be honest.

- - - -

The parts that aren't copied and pasted here are absolutely amazing. The rest you just need to work with the wording. What I showed you after telling you is just ideas, and not the only way you can change it up. But, you do need to change it around in order for it to sound and flow better. The 'fillers' ( i don't really think they're fillers, but apparently that's what they're called) are just in the wrong areas and with the wrong words. Once you change that you'll have an amazing poem.

Which by the way, is a really, really good poem. I really enjoyed the read. You've great emotion through-out it.

Its a great poem
Very sad and darkly depressing

I agree with wat most people have said here but even without these changes....
The imagery is super
The flow was super
the word choices again super =)

everything was super