I brush my straight black hair
it's not interesting
in any way shape or form
its just straight
and really, it's not even
black.
I look at myself in the mirror.
I don't even look
Asian,
not like most Asians do.
but then again,
i am so american.
so it could be that somehow
ive become a cross
between asian and american,
being technically asian
but american at heart.
and i see there
is nothing too special
about me.
i am no beauty.
my face is...
just a face,
no striking attributes,
not that i can see.
but maybe it's just
my mood.
which is also nothing special
nothing good
for anyone.
i am too
up and down,
too dramatic.
like now.
because now
i am being so negative
and there is nothing good
i can say
about myself.
i feel like
i should be more,
but i am not.
i wish to get away
from my current image,
the brain-child one.
i want to be good
at something else,
be recognized
and respected
for something else.
and i try.
and try.
but i'm never good enough.
i thought i was.
but i was proven wrong.
the first year,
when i was cut
from the team,
that was it.
i had no chance
and i have none now.
because how can you decide
to become part of something
if you weren't part of it
to begin with
or hadn't been a part of it
for a very long time?
and i propose something new
to my mom
but she shoots me down
like my dad did
last spring
before i even began
soccer tryouts again
this fall.
but i still wish
i could be someone else
or maybe just
someone better
than who i am now.
and i've tried to tell people
but they never understand.
my mom.
my friends.
everyone listens at a distance,
replies with uncertainty,
with "yea"s and "mhm"s,
and puts it out
of their minds
because they don't understand.
they don't like to think
about something so odd a wish
that it probably
should not
even be wished at all.
but then again
even i don't understand
most things about myself
or at least,
reactions to me just...
being me.
why do people put up with me?
especially
when i am like
this.
i am too crazy.
but it's not always genuine,
i think.
i am sad,
but maybe that's not genuine, either.
and i find
that i can fake a laugh
as good as anyone,
a pained one
where you know
you're not in on the joke
but you laugh anyway
because you want to be
a part of something.
which i suppose
makes me a hypocrite
because i hate people,
those girls,
who dress in the latest
and wears tons of makeup
to look good
to everyone else.
and i say i don't care
what everyone else thinks.
i want to be different.
and i am.
in a way.
but more than that,
i guess i want people
to see me in a certain way.
and maybe they do.
and maybe it is all just me
and the image i think people
have of me
is only the image i have of myself.
i want to be loved,
but i start to think
that what i really need
is to love myself.
to be happy with who i am,
for once in my life.
and all of these feelings?
these doubts and rejections?
they are all there,
but only in my mind.
all in my head.
so what is really
in my heart?
when will i finally
be able to see
myself
in a better light?
when will i finally be
free?
