I Promise You, I'm Not Okay.

by Courageous Dreamer   Nov 16, 2008


`Yes, I have a flow issue in this poem, but I needed to get my feelings out.. so that's what resulted in this poem. If you have any suggestions on how specifically I can improve my flow then please let me know.. otherwise Ill edit it and post a new version.

Not being able to hear your voice and know you're okay,
sends tears down my cheeks on this worrisome day.
This pain won't be washed away until you return,
without you here I promise you, things aren't normal.
No, I'm not even close to be okay, I'm falling apart.
It's almost as though I'm dying, desperate for your love
to keep my heart whole, but it lacks your presence...
leaving me empty, cold, and alone with nobody to hold.

Thoughts of sadness and fear swirl around my head,
as I try to sleep but knowing you're not here awakens me.
All that I can think of is you and how we love each other,
and how I'd give anything to speak to you for a minute.
I just want to be able to talk to you and say I love you.
My stomach is in knots, I'm so sick, I can barely breathe.

Nothing seems to distract me from these thoughts,
it's like they are permanently stuck with me, impossible to remove.
Will they keep haunting me or will they disappear today?
The only thing I know for sure right now is that I want to
be in your warm warms, safe and sound, without a single worry...
and your lips against mine softly making everything better.

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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by Vox

    "Yes, I have a flow issue in this poem, but I needed to get my feelings out.. so that's what resulted in this poem. If you have any suggestions on how specifically I can improve my flow then please let me know.. otherwise Ill edit it and post a new version."

    This was a beautiful poem, you have no need to be asking for help on it. In fact I believe that having the writing be a little bumpy shows that you really did write it to get your feelings out, it shows that the feelings in this poem are real.

    Besides, poetry is FAR from an exact art especially personal poetry poetry from the heart comes in so many different ways that it is hard to judge alot of the time. But in your case it was beautiful and there is no doubt in my mind that you deserve a 5/5

    5/5

    Vaughn

  • 16 years ago

    by Faithless Watermelon

    I gave this one a 3. I would have given it something higher, but like you said there was a problem with the flow. I did think it was descriptive and I liked the line:
    "Thoughts of sadness and fear swirl around my head,
    as I try to sleep but knowing you're not here awakens me."

    I never did like the word 'sad' though, it just seems dull to me. I'm not too impressive with vocabulary with myself but I try to replace basic words like that, even if it is with one almost as basic. Changing sadness to depression would even be better I think, because when I picture something sad I see a pretty girl pouting, when I picture depression I see somebody pulling their hair out and staring death in the face, just asking for some s**t..

    Anyway, I think you could make it quite a bit better and from any of your other work, I'd say this is just a fraction of what you got.

  • 16 years ago

    by Krista

    I abolutley loved it more than Michael...

    I agree, there was a flow issue, BUT I think it is perfect as it is. It was very moving, and very sad at the same time..
    You did an amazing job of expressing the topic, and it was, well jsut a very good poem.
    I really liked it, to sum it all up.

    Krista

  • 16 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    The emotion in this poem overshdowed any amagined lack of flow

    This on captured my attention from start to finish

    be in your warm warms, safe and sound, without a single worry
    be in your warm arms, safe and sound, without a single worry?
    with just a little editing I believe it deserves a five

  • 16 years ago

    by Ingrid

    You did well on this. Sometimes poetry is just to let the world know how you feel and reading this everyone will know just how much you ached.
    Good work, girlie. I am glad you took my advice;)

    *hugs you tight*

    5/5 Ingrid

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