Heartbreak-the motions

Interesting poem.

I liked the choice of free verse; it really worked here.

I also liked the first sentences on stanza two and three. It posts a thought and then expands on it. It would be cool it all the stanzas were like that.

One typo, DRIFTING IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS; the D is missing in AND.

Good choice of words on this line: DRINK AND DANCE CAN KEEP YOUR MIND UNFOCUSSED.

It was an ok poem. The flow just seemed a little off to me. The wording was good though and so was the emotion. I gave it a 5/5

I've made a lot of changes to the poem. I think breaking it into short lines and making it into stanzas is more poetic like. I get that some people don't like it that way - therefore, don't really take my changes too much to heart. They're just my opinions. In this poem I deleted quite a few words in order to make the stanzas, but it helped the flow and everything. I'm not saying that my changes to it are going to do you any good or that you're going to even like them. Some may help, some may not. Though, I hope a few of them do.

- - - -

Everything in your world has left you all alone.
The light is gone ... if you could lift your head to gaze
all would be the same grey wasteland.

There is no pain to compare -
if death should come knocking, you would welcome.
If indeed you had the strength

Drifting in an out of consciousness.
The world insists you go through the motions.
Your body obeys; indoctrinated, obligated, already dead

Days pass, weeks pass, months pass, and years.
You realize that the pain won't fade with time -
you only learn to tolerate it because you must, society says so

Gradually you find some light that's crept into your world.
Finding comfort with a friend - drinking and dancing keeps you unfocussed.
Warmth inside allows smiles and laughs at times, even for you to be cheerful

But you should look back - the strength you have will father
even momentarily, you will again ... fall to pieces.