It is an astonishingly beautiful poem... So sad, though...
The imagery and wording are wonderful...
I don't know how to explain it properly, but it is like I could not only understand the poem but feel it... For example, in the 5th stanza :

"Suffering deep within,
This pain won't subside.
I don't have much time,
I feel it in my bones."

i felt a chill through my spine and it felt like a connection and it felt so sad...(hope not to be sounding absurd...)

It is doubtlessly a great collab... It is so heartbreakingly sad yet absolutely beautiful at the same time...

*isabel*

Simply amazing! Well thought out and very creative. The flows a little bumpy at parts, but all in all, a great poem. Keep writing, you have talent.

Nice intro.

"Like the stars from above"

** The word FROM kind of takes away from the point you are making. Saying FROM sounds like the stars were in the sky, but now they are on earth. Like saying I am from St. Louis sounds like I started in St. Louis but I am not there anymore.

In the second stanza, the first line has 8 symbols, and the next line has only four. This breaks up the flow too much for my taste. Maybe add another descriptive word: "THROUGH THE CRISP NIGHT AIR" or "THROUGH THE COOL NIGHT AIR". Its is a very small change, but adds a lot to the flow. In the same part, I am not liking the forced rhyme with AIR and APPEAR; it just doesn't work very well where the rest of the poem is great.

In the Fourth stanza, I got a little confused by the word THEM; who is THEM? Also, I am not sure of the word DEPTHS. It normally describes something deep; maybe replace it with: I'LL TRAVEL TO THE DEPTHS OF THE OCEANS" or "I'LL TRAVEL TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH". It suits the subject better.

The next stanza the rhyme scheme completely disappears. It really broke up the entire read when this happened.

In stanza 5 and 6, the repeated phrase DEEP WITHIN lessens the meaning of the term. Maybe reword on or the other.

In the eight stanza, I would reword the first line from "My goodbyes I'll have to write" to "I WILL HAVE TO WRITE MY GOODBYES" or even "I'LL HAVE TO SPEAK MY GOODBYES"

Overall, I really enjoy the meaning of the poem. The purpose is not over states, but is subtle enough for most to pick up on. I enjoyed the words like SUBSIDE and ESSENCE, they really add meaning to the lines. A few changes and the poem would really be excellent in my opinion.

Best wishes.

First off, The first stanza is so misleading! Hah, I thought I was going to read some sterotypical love poem collab, and the title didn't really help much either.

At first I thought the poem had a rhyming scheme, so as i read the lines they seemed to clash. Only when I reache the middle did I realize my mistake and have to go back reading it. You can't really just read a poem now can you? Well maybe you can, but I can't. I needed to know the emotion before reading about the emotion, and once i was fully intune with the poem I could feel the aching behind it.

I dont know how to describe the flow really, because it was choppy, but it was okay choppy. Hah, i'm contradicting myself, look what this poem has brought me to :).

I really did like the imagery, especially the plug, but I think the vocabulary could've been a little bit more spiced. Still a very good poem thought, and a cute collab. I guess i shouldn't say cute should I?

5/5

First stanza - very well done, the simile that you easy really captured my attention, which.. is such a great attention getting device to begin with, because it lures the reader in and makes them want to read more. Well done on that!

Second stanza - Beautifully done, this poem's flow is consistant and has no glitches in it yet.. you two are doing wonderful!

Third stanza - Perfect. Simply said, yet.. the flow is just fabulous. Truly... it is.

Fourth stanza - "But can't give to much away." - to should be too, otherwise.. well done!

Fifth stanza - To me the last line didn't rhyme.. did it? So it kinded sounded awkward as I read it..

Sixth stanza - Good good. :]

Seventh stanza - Where did the lovely flow go? :/ Anyways, the anger is coming out, and you can truly see the writers emotions clearly... whihc is a plus!

Last three stanzas - done well, I kind of wish the flow would have continued and stayed consistant throughout the entire poem.. but the words had true meaning which kind of made up for that..

5/5. - Well done by the both of you.

It is very sad and well written. These aren't my favorite types of poems, but it has really good word choice and great descriptions and imagery.
"My goodbyes I'll have to write,
Before Lord pulls the plug."

I like this idea.

"I can't fight this anymore!
I can't handle the pain.
I don't think I'll make it
To the brightness of tomorrow morning."

-I think that the poem could do without this entire stanza because you have already established the pain and the inability to live life anymore. Otherwise it's nice I am going to give it a 5.

This was a amazing poem. The flow was great. The wording was powerful and pulled me in making me wish that the poem was longer. The length however is great the way it is. I think that you should keep everything that you have in this poem because it all just sets the mood and complements everything. I saw nothing wrong with this poem. It was sad and pulled at the heart strings. Keep up the great work. I gave this poem a 5/5.

This poem was just alright for me. I found that you did something that was really good, you didn't just use adjectives to describe things, you used similies.

There are some flow issue's throughout the poem and a usual rythme scheme. Love and Above are your usual rythme scheme.

I must tell them today,
But can't give to much away.
I'll travel to the depths of the world,
And hope for nothing but the best to come.

the flow in this specific stanza is way off.

I really liked the flow in certain spots, but most of all, I loved this stanza.

"My goodbyes I'll have to write,
Before Lord pulls the plug.
Tears now flowing strong,
I'm afraid of what awaits."

"before lord pulls the plug"

I think it should be before the lord pulls the plug.

I still really like the poem and felt it could have been done better, I've read some of your prior work and felt that if I compared this to that...it would fall short.

I give it a 4/5

Very sad, but well written. I like that you incorporated bits of her actual writing. Made it more personal. Did Jamie write some parts and you wrote some parts, Joe, or how did you work out the collab? I could comment on how the rhyme scheme fades in and out, but it didn't affect my feelings about the poem. Thanks for writing this.

Long...but worth the read....nice rhythm. Keeps you reading till the end. Great job...keep up the good work! ^_^

This universe we live in
Is like my hearts love,
hearts=heart's
Sparkling with glitter,
Like the stars from above.

Whispering ever so softly
Through the crisp air,
Music of the night
Begins to appear.
This doesn't really rhyme , and I wouldn't have said anything but your next stanza has the exact same rhyme endings ... So it's not too fantastic .

Feeling your presence,
Knowing time is so dear.
Feeling your essence
That brings you near.

I must tell them today,
But can't give too much away.
I'll travel to the ends of the earth,
And hope for nothing but the best to come.

Suffering deep within,
This pain won't subside.
I don't have much time,
I feel it in my bones.

My friends have no clue.
It kills me overwhelmingly inside.
I want them to remember,
Remember the good times.

I can't fight this anymore!
I can't handle the pain.
I don't think I'll make it
To the brightness of tomorrow morning.

My goodbyes I'll have to write,
Before Lord pulls the plug.
Tears now flowing strong,
I'm afraid of what awaits.

Lord, please forgive me,
For I have sinned.
I lied to my friends,
To ease the pain within.

The time has come,
I can't take the pain.
To Lord I pray,
Please make it all end.

Um . It's odd because it goes from rhyming , to not rhyming , to rhyming again .. I don't really like that . The flow is off in a few places .. But otherwise I do like the overall idea of the poem , it's really full of emotion . 4/5

This is really good, it gives out real feelings!

"I must tell them today,
But can't give to much away.
I'll travel to the depths of the world,
And hope for nothing but the best to come."

It was very odd in the way that this poem was written (as has been previously stated) The rhyme scheme keeps changing, it kind of sets the reader off, because you'll get used to the rhymes and then it changes, it messed up the flow. ^^^ is an example. You started out with:

1
2
1
3

And went to:

1
1
2
3

Aside from that, and a few places where the flow gets a bit rocky, it was well written and the theme of the poem was very well expressed.
4/5

This poem is built in a unique way, and transfers the pain well. The structure is a classic structure of 4 lined stanzas. The lines are very short, which is good and the flow is well most of the time.
From the third stanza until the one before the end you didn't use your rhyming structure of abab, and therefore the flow breaks there a little bit.
If you could fix that, the poem would have been much better.

The words are simple, and can be related to. Using a higher level of english here would increase the level of your piece.

Overall nicely done 4/5

This universe we live in
Is like my hearts love,
Sparkling with glitter,
Like the stars from above.
(7, 5, 6, 6)

Whispering ever so softly
Through the crisp air,
Music of the night
Begins to appear.
(8, 4, 5, 5)

Feeling your presence,
Knowing time is so dear.
Feeling your essence
That brings you near.
(5, 6, 5, 4)
- The rhyme here is different than the rest, because you have ABAB, instead of ABCB. It works okay, the 'presence' and 'essence' rhyme is kind of catchy. But, the difference does show, big time.

I must tell them today,
But can't give too much away.
I'll travel to the ends of the earth,
And hope for nothing but the best to come.
(6, 7, 9, 10)
- I don't like this stanza, especially the last line. And, I think it's because of the huge difference in syllables. It's not like a close match ; 6 to 10. AND, I don't like how the last line is worded, it takes away and is drug out. Maybe;
[I'll travel to the ends of the earth,
hoping for nothing but the best]
(9, 8)
- This keeps it closer, a lot closer. And, it sounds better too. (Note: I do realize that syllable count doesn't ALWAYS mess up a poem, but I think it has a lot to do with this, because you want the majority of lines to be about the same...considering majority of the stanzas are close)

Suffering deep within,
This pain won't subside.
I don't have much time,
I feel it in my bones.
(6, 5, 5, 6)

My friends have no clue.
It kills me overwhelmingly inside.
I want them to remember,
Remember the good times.
(5, 10, 7, 6)
- 'It kills me overwhelmingly inside' isn't a HORRIBLE line. But I'm not too fond of it. I'd suggest (once again) shortening it a bit. Replacing overwhelmingly (5) with something a bit shorter syllable wise and a bit more poetic. I'd suggest a word with 3 syllables. 4 MIGHT do, but I think it'd stretch a bit too much.

I can't fight this anymore!
I can't handle the pain.
I don't think I'll make it
To the brightness of tomorrow morning.
(7, 6, 6, 10)
- The last line here is a bit long, but it works. It does show though, the difference in syllables while reading, even if that's something one doesn't pay attention to. BUT, it still sounds okay. You might be able to work it down a bit somehow, but I don't think it's really, really needed.

My goodbyes I'll have to write,
Before Lord pulls the plug.
Tears now flowing strong,
I'm afraid of what awaits.
(7, 7, 5, 7)

Lord, please forgive me,
For I have sinned.
I lied to my friends,
To ease the pain within.
(5, 4, 5, 6)

The time has come,
I can't take the pain.
To Lord I pray,
Please make it all end.
(4, 5, 4, 5)
- Shortest stanza syllable wise, but it works. It does show that there's a significant difference, though. But, I guess it works. Gives meaning to the poem. (:

Overall you have a good poem, Joe. I'd suggest maybe talking with Jamie about changing it a bit, with the syllable count. Because some areas are really off flow wise and the wording is a bit off, because of the syllable count though. Just shorten it some and it will work.

I feel that the peom reflects a helthy humility in asking to remove the cup if it could be they will

great sad poem