Somehow...

SOMEHOW Written: August 26th, 2008

I'm leaving notes and dropping lines and keeping it in.
I'm loving you and hating you and walking tall.
I'm learning while I'm giving and teaching myself to cry.
I'm dreaming while conscious and sleeping in my heart.
I'm screaming and bleeding and the only one who looks up is me.
Just to see if anyone had heard the fuss I make in my soul.
But people don't watch for what takes place, life's got them distracted.
Waiting for a bus my tears are only reflecting the sun to them, and they squint.
And somehow I still expect them to see.
To hear, to listen.
And somehow I still expect to be noticed.
And somehow I still expect to move forward while in the process of being shoved aside.
And somehow I'm still waiting for my somehow, my something, my opportunity.
Opportunity is defined by interpretation,
Variations in what we want makes it hard to spell out.
And the random processes I used in this poem only capture what I am.
Somehow.
If I smiled would you take it at face value?
Would you try to see past it and determine it genuine?
Are you too busy to tell your mother you love her?
Or are you still waiting for rejection in your path to self discovery?
I am. Somehow.
Alone and lonely in my head, just his presence makes me feel at ease.
I can't say he understands, I haven't explained it yet.
But he tries.
And the questions in his eyes make me long for him to ask,
But wouldn't he if he wanted to know?
It's a cognitively subconscious expression of my wanting to be noticed, and it fails each time.
Who knows what I feel but I?
And somehow I still sit here, refusing to say goodnight to him, for fear of goodbye's.
And somehow I'm still writing, aiming in no particular direction, just spewing.
And somehow I'm making my soul grow but seven years to little prevail.
And somehow I still want the same things, and need love, though somehow I have it.
Maybe I just need to love myself.
But how can you want love and death all at once? With me it's apparent you can....

Somehow.

Jescelle A. Marengo