How many tries ( true story )

by Toni   Jun 9, 2004


How many tries will it take
How many attempts
How many times until I break
Or silently relent

Last Saturday attempt no. 4
Collected so many pills
Despairingly I closed the door
For I had lost the will

The will to fight every day
Feeling so unwell
The will to carry on this way
Drowning in my well

I sat alone, the same routine
Huddled in a ball
No hope for my self esteem
No point wanting to call

Wanting to call out in despair
I told them to leave me alone
My foolish ways, they're unaware
As I sit here on my own

Favourite song stuck on repeat
I'm stuck in my sorrow
This depression I cannot defeat
No hope left to borrow

Rushed to the nearest hospital
Puking on the way
Carried down the A+E hall
Pleading not to stay

Throat tightened chokingly tight
Could not bare to breath
Doctors helping me to fight
And drugs to relieve

Alarms ringing, the familiar sound
White coats rush about
A fit threw me to the ground
I hear my mum shout

The next day I awake
Peering through bleary eyes
Had all the pills I could take
The pills I so despise

Doctor asks why I want to die
I tell him that's not true
I don't want to die, just end the pain
And stop feeling so blue

At last, home once again
Still the drugs reside
In my bloodstream, the doctor said
4 days till sickness subsides

Yet my suicidal urge remains
I wonder what to do
My sleeves covered by scarlet stains
Can't bare to look at you

I wonder now, as I again recover
Lying in my bed
Huddled under my duvet cover
Questions plague my head

How many attempts till I go too far
And cannot return
I'm feeling the consequences right now
But depression just won't learn

How many tries will it take
How many attempts
How many times until I break
Or silently relent

This is a true story of what happened to me on Saturday night. For all of u that feel the same way , please keep trying until you break the suicidal loop, it will be worth it in the end, I just know it, I'm gonna keep trying to break it

xxxxxxx

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Latest Comments

  • 20 years ago

    by Toni

    thanks steph xxxx

  • 20 years ago

    by stephalee

    wow this is powerful stuff i kno wat its like to want to die i had the same feeling once it sux! good job with the poem

  • 20 years ago

    by Toni

    iv just thought, did u understand the bit where i said 'keep trying until u break the suicidal loop' as meaning that i wos encouraging people to die? Sorry I guess it was badly put, but i didnt mean that at all. I meant trying to break the loop, so that you get better, not die!!

  • 20 years ago

    by Toni

    I wosnt trying to make any1 else commit suicide, i dont know where u got that from? I was trying to write sumthing that happened to me, which other ppl could relate to, and know that they're not alone. And no i dont want to die.

  • 20 years ago

    by *~*CaNdIcE*~*

    I can totally relate to your poem. I take pills like that too. Very well written poem. Check out mine as well and tell me what you think. THANKS!!

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