Dedicated

by That One Girl   Dec 1, 2008


You walked out, Mom
Right out the door
Made me want to shout, Mom
I wanted more

I cut myself tonight, Mom
Thought you might like it
If I bled for you, Mom
My heart was split

Would you come back, Mom?
If I took all the pills
Ended up in the hospital, Mom
Pain kills

I loved you, Mom
the way you never loved me
I want you back, Mom
Can't you see?

You wont feel guilty, Mom
You never will
You have your new husband now, Mom
But I love you still

I have to hide from Dad, Mom
Don't want him to see the black streaks on my face
He is hurting too, Mom
But it is covered in lace

I hope you're happy, Mom
Cause I can't take it anymore
You broke my heart, Mom
aren't you happy you walked out the door?

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Latest Comments

  • 16 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    I could almost feel your pain though it never happened to me find it easy to feel sympathy after reading this heartfelt words

  • 16 years ago

    by Cyber Saiyan

    You walked out, mom
    Right out the door
    Made me want to shout, mom
    I wanted more

    ** Good opening stanza. The first line really set the mood for the poem. I am not sure about the last line though. What is it you wanted more of?

    I cut myself tonight, mom
    Thought you might like it
    If I bled for you, mom
    My heart was hit

    ** I like the repeated use of the word MOM. It really drives home a point. I like that you used MOM instead of MOMMY, as others tend to do. Using MOMMY shows a child-like pattern in the poem, but the thoughts and ideas you used are too mature for that. I like the second stanza, but the last line is confusing to me. The previous three lines all seem to follow the same thought, but the last one doesn’t seem to do that. Maybe consider rewording it.

    I loved you, mom
    the way you never loved me
    I want you back, mom
    Don't you see?

    ** I like the use of the word LOVED. In the past tense, it shows that you once loved her, but because of her actions, you don’t feel that way anymore. The second line is very powerful as well. Normally, during teenage years, the child is the one that feels this way (like when a teenager hates their parents). I really like the role reversal. I may suggest using the word CAN'T instead of DON'T; it sounds a little better.

    You probably wont feel guilty, mom
    You never will
    You have him, mom
    But I love you still

    ** Reading this, I am a little confused. In the first line, you state that she PROBABLY won’t feel guilty. Using the word PROBABLY means that you are not 100% sure; but then you follow it with YOU NEVER WILL. The second sentence is stated like a fact, contradicting the first one. In the third sentence, you might want to explain who HIM is; a new husband? a new boyfriend? a new son? I think it leaves a little too much for the reader to fill in on their own.

    I have to hide from dad, mom
    Don't want him to see the black streaks on my face
    He is hurting too, mom
    But it is covered in lace

    ** This stanza has a good overall meaning, but I had to read it several times to understand it. The last sentence seems out of place. Also, STREEKS should be STREAKS.

    I hope you're happy, mom
    Cause I can't take it anymore
    You broke my heart, mom
    now aren't you happy you walked out the door?

    ** This is a good closure point; although I would suggest removing NOW from the last line.

    ** Overall, this is a really good poem. I recommend starting the words MOM and DAD with a capital letter. MOM and DAD is replacing their names in this case, so they need to be capital. If you used MY MOM or MY DAD, then they would not require this. The flow is pretty good, but some lines are really long, and some lines are really short. Try to avoid this or the flow will fall apart. I may try to work on the grammar a little; like I THOUGHT instead of THOUGH; I THOUGHT instead of THOUGHT; I ENDED UP instead of ENDED UP. Some people can misread this as poor writing or an uneducated writer instead of something written on purpose. Good job, keep it up. Please do not be offended with my comments as most are kind of nit-picked. You really have the works of a great poet.

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