NightMares

I am sitting here alone,
wondering if I can be healed,
wondering if this pain is real,
wondering when it will stop .
I don't exactly remember when it started,
only that it never really stopped,
the pain just became a little clearer,
and i remembered back to the days.
I thought that he was a good guy,
a good person to talk too,
but I was far from right,
he was only a poison.
A poison that went a little deeper,
a poison that controlled my moves,
controlled my mind,
he was supposed to be mine.
I thought about him everyday,
but maybe that wasn't me,
maybe it was the poison thinking,
because I never really knew.
I still remember it clearly,
the first time he ever hit me,
it wasn`t really a HIT,
but more of a slap.
But a slap turned to a punch,
and a punch into a kick,
and before I knew it,
I was always being hit.
But because I was poisoned,
more maybe I was blinded,
I never could see the pain,
I always thought it was okay.
Hitting was one thing,
but when the rape started,
I should`ve known to walk away,
but I never did.
I always thought it would just be one more time,
one more time then it would all end,
but that was far from the truth,
it never really stopped.
I still remember the force of his fist,
and how it felt after I was hit,
and how I felt like I was nothing,
I felt like I was empty.
But rapes are all nothing but a blurr,
because of all the drugs and alcohol,
because all the stuff he put into my drink,
but I still remember the feeling after it.
I remember being afraid of him,
being afraid of being hit,
so I never told a single soul.,
never told anything.
I was under his control,
anything that he said goes,
but it isn't that way anymore,
now I`m my own girl.
I have moved on and away from him,
and yet the pain still seeps in,
nightmares after nightmares,
and feeling nothing but pain.
Why it ever happened I don't know,
what I ever did to deserve it,
I never found out,
but the pain still hurts more then anything.
Scars left upon my soul never to be healed,
I can still hear his voice inside my head,
"Tasha you`re a worthless mistake".
is all he ever said.
I still see his face in my nightmares,
it seems to haunt my sleeping time,
and I still feel the force of his hands,
pushing me and hitting me.
I am all alone with no one to talk too,
no one who could understand,
so I sit here alone on my bed,
and write this poem .